May 29, 2009
This will probably be my last posting for this month. Wow! It went by fast!! So, today I was riding the train home from my parents' house in Castle Rock. A man came and sat next to me even though there were other spots open. He didn't say anything at first, but after a while, he commented that he wants to get a Sudoku puzzle book like the one I had. He said the kids on the train drive him crazy. Funny, I was just thinking about those kids myself. I was reminiscing about the days I was in my twenties and flirted with other kids my age out on the streets of Denver. It was not that long ago, but it feels like forever. I was thinking how much older I feel now and how I couldn't really picture myself doing that today.
This guy obviously needed to talk. I was reluctant at first because I didn't know what his intentions were, but it turns out he's just here from Juarez, Mexico. He moved back here to be around for his 6-month old daughter. He and the mom are not together anymore. His only family in Mexico was his dad and uncle and they passed away, so he's all alone. He said he doesn't want any friends right now because the other guys at the restaurant where he works drink too much and he doesn't want to get into that.
He works as a cook at a fancy restaurant in Littleton. Then, he travels for hours to and from work and his home in Aurora. He sees his daughter, he goes to bed, he gets up and goes to work and repeats the process over and over again. That is his life. He is totally dedicated 100% to his little girl. He said she has to know how much he loves her.
He even told me about how he thinks the mom purposely got pregnant even though he told her they should wait until they were more financially secure. Why do people do that?!?
Well, Tony, my new friend, I wish you luck in your life. On behalf of little girls everywhere, thanks for being a stand-up guy for your kid.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Eating the Shadow
May 19, 2009
There is this notion that within each of us lay hidden things that fill us with shadows. These are the parts of ourselves that don’t come out in the light of day. They are still there, very present and active but often not a part of our conscious understanding of who we are.
For me, I know that one of my “shadow pieces” is the feeling of anger. Ever since I was a small child, I was told not to get upset or angry. Over time, I learned to push the angry feelings down deeper and not let them explode out of me.
I learned to share my toys, to not be greedy, to be a “nice girl”. This is how I ensured that I would be accepted and loved. It is still the way I tend to operate today.
The “me” that is already in the spotlight is the nice girl, but standing in the dark are all those other traits that I was born with and that we all have as human beings: anger, rage, greed, ignorance, insensitivity, destructiveness.
As I try to push these shadows away or run from them, my feelings of fear grow. I am afraid that all of these “bad things” are going to pop out of their seams, spill out everywhere, and nobody will ever love me again.
You know that movie, “Castaway” with Tom Hanks? It represents to me the very worst thing that could possibly ever happen-to be isolated from everyone else for the rest of my life. Nothing could be worse.
But, I am human. All those “bad things” that I tend to be embarrassed about, we all have in us. Admitting that they are there isn’t going to make everyone shun me. Telling the truth will invite more wisdom and compassion into my life and some people find it refreshing.
It is very painful to look at our shadows because in doing so, we have to face our strongest fears. But, the things in the shadows are sacred. It is my giant inner judge who points to this-or-that and calls it good, bad, or ugly. My judge very often if not always acts out of ego and not from wisdom. Wisdom is much more compassionate than my judge tends to be.
I haven’t quite gotten there yet, but I hope to learn to love my shadow pieces. I would like to get to a point where I can eat the shadows and take in their nourishment. They are like mushrooms-you could walk right over them for years and not know it, but then once you find them, they are unlike anything else and can be so delicious.
Whether we “eat” our shadow parts or not, they are still there. Watch how you react to certain behaviors in other people. Those things that really get your goat or totally floor you with admiration are the very things that lay hidden inside of you. See the ways you project your own shadow thoughts and feelings onto others. Embracing our shadows is embracing truth, and the truth shall set you free.
"The courage with which we bare our own shadow prevents others from needing to carry it for us."
-John Tarrant, as quoted by Donald Rothberg.
http://www.dharmaseed.org/talks/wimpy/wimpy_popup.html?theFile=http://dharmaseed.org/talks/wimpy/6299.xml
There is this notion that within each of us lay hidden things that fill us with shadows. These are the parts of ourselves that don’t come out in the light of day. They are still there, very present and active but often not a part of our conscious understanding of who we are.
For me, I know that one of my “shadow pieces” is the feeling of anger. Ever since I was a small child, I was told not to get upset or angry. Over time, I learned to push the angry feelings down deeper and not let them explode out of me.
I learned to share my toys, to not be greedy, to be a “nice girl”. This is how I ensured that I would be accepted and loved. It is still the way I tend to operate today.
The “me” that is already in the spotlight is the nice girl, but standing in the dark are all those other traits that I was born with and that we all have as human beings: anger, rage, greed, ignorance, insensitivity, destructiveness.
As I try to push these shadows away or run from them, my feelings of fear grow. I am afraid that all of these “bad things” are going to pop out of their seams, spill out everywhere, and nobody will ever love me again.
You know that movie, “Castaway” with Tom Hanks? It represents to me the very worst thing that could possibly ever happen-to be isolated from everyone else for the rest of my life. Nothing could be worse.
But, I am human. All those “bad things” that I tend to be embarrassed about, we all have in us. Admitting that they are there isn’t going to make everyone shun me. Telling the truth will invite more wisdom and compassion into my life and some people find it refreshing.
It is very painful to look at our shadows because in doing so, we have to face our strongest fears. But, the things in the shadows are sacred. It is my giant inner judge who points to this-or-that and calls it good, bad, or ugly. My judge very often if not always acts out of ego and not from wisdom. Wisdom is much more compassionate than my judge tends to be.
I haven’t quite gotten there yet, but I hope to learn to love my shadow pieces. I would like to get to a point where I can eat the shadows and take in their nourishment. They are like mushrooms-you could walk right over them for years and not know it, but then once you find them, they are unlike anything else and can be so delicious.
Whether we “eat” our shadow parts or not, they are still there. Watch how you react to certain behaviors in other people. Those things that really get your goat or totally floor you with admiration are the very things that lay hidden inside of you. See the ways you project your own shadow thoughts and feelings onto others. Embracing our shadows is embracing truth, and the truth shall set you free.
"The courage with which we bare our own shadow prevents others from needing to carry it for us."
-John Tarrant, as quoted by Donald Rothberg.
http://www.dharmaseed.org/talks/wimpy/wimpy_popup.html?theFile=http://dharmaseed.org/talks/wimpy/6299.xml
Saturday, May 16, 2009
How to Be a Spiritual Warrior
5/16/09
I just wanted to share this from Rumi's "Say I am You":
Gamble everything for love....
Half-heartedness doesn't reach into majesty.
You set out to find God,
but then you keep stopping for long periods
at mean-spirited roadhouses.
Don't wait any longer.
Dive in the ocean,
leave and let the sea be you....
As Kasl says in If the Buddha Dated, "Surrender actually makes us feel safe, because there is nothing left to hide."
But, getting to that point where we can surrender, sit with the edges that come up in our lives and not run away, that's not always so easy.
The sea is beautiful, but it is scary and can be very dark and intimidating. These feelings of fear are the edges we too easily try to avoid.
Here's a little prayer I made up when I was walking someplace yesterday:
The edges I experience are sacred. They are a part of the Infinite Whole. When I come to an edge in my life, I sit with it and wait for wisdom to join me. Then, I give thanks and continue on my journey.
I am hoping I can say this enough times that it comes true for me more often than not. For now, I am going to go eat a mango and rest and enjoy what is left of Today.
"
I just wanted to share this from Rumi's "Say I am You":
Gamble everything for love....
Half-heartedness doesn't reach into majesty.
You set out to find God,
but then you keep stopping for long periods
at mean-spirited roadhouses.
Don't wait any longer.
Dive in the ocean,
leave and let the sea be you....
As Kasl says in If the Buddha Dated, "Surrender actually makes us feel safe, because there is nothing left to hide."
But, getting to that point where we can surrender, sit with the edges that come up in our lives and not run away, that's not always so easy.
The sea is beautiful, but it is scary and can be very dark and intimidating. These feelings of fear are the edges we too easily try to avoid.
Here's a little prayer I made up when I was walking someplace yesterday:
The edges I experience are sacred. They are a part of the Infinite Whole. When I come to an edge in my life, I sit with it and wait for wisdom to join me. Then, I give thanks and continue on my journey.
I am hoping I can say this enough times that it comes true for me more often than not. For now, I am going to go eat a mango and rest and enjoy what is left of Today.
"
Friday, May 15, 2009
Goal!
5/15/09
Recently, I read a blog that talks about goal setting. It mentions creating a "bucket list" which I recently discovered is a list of all the things you want to do before you "kick the bucket". Whenever I hear about setting goals, I get a little knot in my stomach. Why is that?
I use goal setting techniques with the children I counsel (and the adults I worked with before). I even have it listed as one of the "questions of faith" posted in my blog! When I worked with pregnant moms, goal setting was a huge part of the job and I thought it was a wonderful way to empower the women to do for themselves and to take control over their own lives.
And yet, there is another part of me that wonders what this goal setting is really all about.
What is it supposed to be? It seems so linear, which doesn't work for my feminine tendacy to look at things as spirals or circles rather than straight lines. It seems so American. What do other cultures think of it?
Will we be very bitterly disappointed if all the things on our "bucket list" don't come to pass? What if we get sick in a way that precludes us from completing our goals? What if our goals are not realistic? Then, they would represent just another reason to feel disappointed or sorry for ourselves.
In a certain way, my "bucket list" consists of just one thing: to live each moment as aware and alive as possible-to appreciate all of the abundance, the myriad changes, the mystery that is.
By being open to possibilities, my life has already taken me on many journeys that I never would have dreamed of. They are better than that-they are life's essence rather than my ego steering me haphazardly toward whatever it thinks it should.
I think it is important to have values and right intentions, and to have a healthy curiosity as well as courage to walk whatever path presents itself to you. I also believe that we ultimately are nothing more than the choices we make.
And yet, life is a dance. It is our choices and life's happenings interacting with one another. This is where the circles and the grace joins the hopes and the goals in an ever constant act of balance.
Recently, I read a blog that talks about goal setting. It mentions creating a "bucket list" which I recently discovered is a list of all the things you want to do before you "kick the bucket". Whenever I hear about setting goals, I get a little knot in my stomach. Why is that?
I use goal setting techniques with the children I counsel (and the adults I worked with before). I even have it listed as one of the "questions of faith" posted in my blog! When I worked with pregnant moms, goal setting was a huge part of the job and I thought it was a wonderful way to empower the women to do for themselves and to take control over their own lives.
And yet, there is another part of me that wonders what this goal setting is really all about.
What is it supposed to be? It seems so linear, which doesn't work for my feminine tendacy to look at things as spirals or circles rather than straight lines. It seems so American. What do other cultures think of it?
Will we be very bitterly disappointed if all the things on our "bucket list" don't come to pass? What if we get sick in a way that precludes us from completing our goals? What if our goals are not realistic? Then, they would represent just another reason to feel disappointed or sorry for ourselves.
In a certain way, my "bucket list" consists of just one thing: to live each moment as aware and alive as possible-to appreciate all of the abundance, the myriad changes, the mystery that is.
By being open to possibilities, my life has already taken me on many journeys that I never would have dreamed of. They are better than that-they are life's essence rather than my ego steering me haphazardly toward whatever it thinks it should.
I think it is important to have values and right intentions, and to have a healthy curiosity as well as courage to walk whatever path presents itself to you. I also believe that we ultimately are nothing more than the choices we make.
And yet, life is a dance. It is our choices and life's happenings interacting with one another. This is where the circles and the grace joins the hopes and the goals in an ever constant act of balance.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Everything is Holy
May 12, 2009
Tonight, I went to the first of five classes that my minister is putting on. As a Unitarian Universalist, I have the option to choose pretty much any path I want and it will be respected by my church community. That's what I love about it. Of course, we believe in treating people with respect and dignity and a lot of other common things too. But, within reason, the sky is the limit. And yet, there are certain ways that having such freedom can make us feel that much more lost.
Where do we go when we want to go home if we don't know what home is? Once we figure out where, then the next question is how do we get there?
I love my minister. He is smart and heartfelt and makes a lot of sense to me. He says that the world puts a lot of pressure on every one of us to be fantastically superficial all of the time. It is good to have a place where you can go deeper and be more real with yourself and with each other. That is what coming home is all about as far as I'm concerned.
He has this great analogy, taken from Jonathan Haidt's book, The Happiness Hypothesis: we have evolved from forest creatures and so a large portion of our brains are made up in the same way that other forest creature's brains are. They are very emotional. They are sensitive to things in their environment and they choose quickly whether to fight or fly away.
We have a very small and relatively new part of our brain in the front that allows us to have a sense of ourselves. That's where a lot of our distinctly human characteristics come from. We could look at the big part of our brain as being like an elephant and the little part in front as a rider or elephant trainer. If the elephant decides it wants to run away or fight, the rider goes with it. But, if we can learn to be good elephant trainers, we can have a lot more peace in our lives rather than being at the mercy of the elephant.
The three main methods my minister suggested we try were meditation, affirmations, and prayer. I won't go into the details about what these all entail. But, as Charlotte Kasl says in If the Buddha Dated, "Whatever practices you utilize, ultimately it is your dedication that will make a difference. You can intone a chant or prayer absentmindedly, dissociate when you meditate, or spout teachings to impress people. Or you can meet each moment of your life with awareness and compassion."
I will leave you with these questions to ponder, taken from my minister's class, which were taken from James A. Fowler:
1. What are you spending and being spent for?
2. What commands and receives your best time, your best energy?
3. What causes, dreams, goals, and institutions are you pouring out your life for?
4. As you live your life, what powers do you fear or dread?
5. As you live your life, what powers do you rely on and trust?
6. To what are you committed in life or in death?
7. With whom do you share your most sacred and private hopes and fears?
8. What are your hopes, goals, and purposes in life?
Tonight, I went to the first of five classes that my minister is putting on. As a Unitarian Universalist, I have the option to choose pretty much any path I want and it will be respected by my church community. That's what I love about it. Of course, we believe in treating people with respect and dignity and a lot of other common things too. But, within reason, the sky is the limit. And yet, there are certain ways that having such freedom can make us feel that much more lost.
Where do we go when we want to go home if we don't know what home is? Once we figure out where, then the next question is how do we get there?
I love my minister. He is smart and heartfelt and makes a lot of sense to me. He says that the world puts a lot of pressure on every one of us to be fantastically superficial all of the time. It is good to have a place where you can go deeper and be more real with yourself and with each other. That is what coming home is all about as far as I'm concerned.
He has this great analogy, taken from Jonathan Haidt's book, The Happiness Hypothesis: we have evolved from forest creatures and so a large portion of our brains are made up in the same way that other forest creature's brains are. They are very emotional. They are sensitive to things in their environment and they choose quickly whether to fight or fly away.
We have a very small and relatively new part of our brain in the front that allows us to have a sense of ourselves. That's where a lot of our distinctly human characteristics come from. We could look at the big part of our brain as being like an elephant and the little part in front as a rider or elephant trainer. If the elephant decides it wants to run away or fight, the rider goes with it. But, if we can learn to be good elephant trainers, we can have a lot more peace in our lives rather than being at the mercy of the elephant.
The three main methods my minister suggested we try were meditation, affirmations, and prayer. I won't go into the details about what these all entail. But, as Charlotte Kasl says in If the Buddha Dated, "Whatever practices you utilize, ultimately it is your dedication that will make a difference. You can intone a chant or prayer absentmindedly, dissociate when you meditate, or spout teachings to impress people. Or you can meet each moment of your life with awareness and compassion."
I will leave you with these questions to ponder, taken from my minister's class, which were taken from James A. Fowler:
1. What are you spending and being spent for?
2. What commands and receives your best time, your best energy?
3. What causes, dreams, goals, and institutions are you pouring out your life for?
4. As you live your life, what powers do you fear or dread?
5. As you live your life, what powers do you rely on and trust?
6. To what are you committed in life or in death?
7. With whom do you share your most sacred and private hopes and fears?
8. What are your hopes, goals, and purposes in life?
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mohammed
5/10/09
First of all, today was a lovely Mother's Day. I had the chance to host a brunch for my mom and the rest of our family. It was something that I knew would be special to mom, and so it was just fabulous that I finally had a big enough place to accomodate everyone.
Later in the day, I went to the Max Fund to help walk some dogs with my friend who volunteers there. I took out one dog who seemed pretty chill in the cage-just sitting there. When we went out, he kept lunging and was pretty out of control. I was told by another volunteer that he needed to wear a choke chain because sometimes the regular collars come off. I felt bad, though, because he kept choking himself on the leash. I put him back inside, but by this time all of the staff and volunteers had gone home (except for my friend who was outside).
I took the choke chain off the dog (named "Mohammed") and instead of going in his cage, he ran over to a dog in a cage a few rows back. I don't know what his problem with this dog is, but he was ready to fight-white foamy drool was coming out of his mouth, and he had that viscious face of a dog on the attack.
As Cesar Millan of The Dog Whisperer would put it, he was in the "red zone". Nobody was around to help me, and all of the dogs were going crazy by this point-imagine about twenty dogs all barking their heads off at the same time. I didn't want to get bit, but I equally did not want to get caught in this pickle.
I pushed the dog away from the other dog's cage (with a little fear, I will admit). When he was not right by the other guy's cage, he was calmer and I was able to get the choke chain back on him. We put him back in the cage, I made sure the other dogs were OK, and I waited for Mohammed to chill out again. Oops! I guess there is really a reason why you can't just go around the Max Fund without a volunteer or staff person around.
My heart hasn't beat that fast in a long, long time!
First of all, today was a lovely Mother's Day. I had the chance to host a brunch for my mom and the rest of our family. It was something that I knew would be special to mom, and so it was just fabulous that I finally had a big enough place to accomodate everyone.
Later in the day, I went to the Max Fund to help walk some dogs with my friend who volunteers there. I took out one dog who seemed pretty chill in the cage-just sitting there. When we went out, he kept lunging and was pretty out of control. I was told by another volunteer that he needed to wear a choke chain because sometimes the regular collars come off. I felt bad, though, because he kept choking himself on the leash. I put him back inside, but by this time all of the staff and volunteers had gone home (except for my friend who was outside).
I took the choke chain off the dog (named "Mohammed") and instead of going in his cage, he ran over to a dog in a cage a few rows back. I don't know what his problem with this dog is, but he was ready to fight-white foamy drool was coming out of his mouth, and he had that viscious face of a dog on the attack.
As Cesar Millan of The Dog Whisperer would put it, he was in the "red zone". Nobody was around to help me, and all of the dogs were going crazy by this point-imagine about twenty dogs all barking their heads off at the same time. I didn't want to get bit, but I equally did not want to get caught in this pickle.
I pushed the dog away from the other dog's cage (with a little fear, I will admit). When he was not right by the other guy's cage, he was calmer and I was able to get the choke chain back on him. We put him back in the cage, I made sure the other dogs were OK, and I waited for Mohammed to chill out again. Oops! I guess there is really a reason why you can't just go around the Max Fund without a volunteer or staff person around.
My heart hasn't beat that fast in a long, long time!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Girl Climb!
May 8, 2009
Today, I get up extra early on my day off, catch a bus to Boulder, and meet a girl who knows how to lead climbs. In other words, she knows where there are some really cool rocks that we can climb, and she has the gear, skill, and knowledge to get us safely up and down the climbs.
As soon as I get in her car, she starts speaking lingo that I am unfamiliar with. Climbers, like any subculture, have their own language.
She asks what my goals are with climbing. I tell her, for now, I want to get stronger in general. I also want to learn to use my legs more.
I ask her how long she's been climbing. Five years, she says. She started out deathly afraid of heights-scared even to stand on a second story balcony. She wanted to get over that, so every day for three weeks, she went to the climbing gym near her house and tried the same route over and over again until she got to the top of it.
She tried a couple of outdoor climbs that summer, and then eventually got to a point where she was ready to try harder and harder stuff. She also got to a point where she was ready to be a lead climber. She thought she would never do lead climbs outside, but she did. She thought she would only do sport lead climbs but we are doing trad climbing today, so she obviously got over that as well.
By the way, sport climbing means there are bolts already in the rock and you climb to them, attach your rope to them, and continue climbing from bolt to bolt until you reach the top. Trad, short for traditional, climbing means you have to have special gear to stick in the rock-wherever you want (as long as it's safe). This gives a person a lot more options, but with freedom comes responsibility.
This gal is nothing if not responsible. She is my age and already the mother of four children. She shows me how she puts the gear in and why. She lets me "clean her gear" which means I climb after she's set the route and take back all her hardware that was stuck in the rock. This is a good new challenge for me because I have to be sure I'm steady enough to have a hand free for pulling things out and clipping them to my harness.
She shows me the basics to setting an anchor-to have more than one point, all less than 90 degree angles, all attached to different things, all coming together in one knot so they take pressure off one another, all going in the right direction. This is good for me to know so that whenever I go out with someone, I can feel safer and know if they are being safe.
Rock climbing can be a little scary, but it is so much fun once you see that you can do things to prevent falls. I love climbing, especially outside, where you are connected to the rock. You have to listen to the ancient stones and be strong and patient like they are. You always have a new challenge, both mentally and physically.
The part that got me hooked in the first place was the very first time I lay back and was lowered down off the rock. Wow! There are so many times in life when I know I am clinging to the edge of something shaking in fear. Sometimes, I remember that I am connected to the source (in this case, a strong anchor, in other cases, something more cosmic) and I am safe. Then, I can lay back, watch where I am going, but let go and bounce through the air. It's totally awesome.
Today, my girl climbing partner teaches me how to repel my own self down. That's a little scary because now the safe source that I am relying on is mySELF! As she put it, "you are going to put my life in my own hands? What were you thinking?!?" I do it and I make it, but I am scared. This is the next step in my journey-learning to trust myself a little more.
Climbing is awesome, but climbing with a fellow woman who can teach me stuff is the most wonderful thing ever. She knows how to get around the barriers that we have, being shorter and not as strong as most of the guys who climb. She tells me some tricks, but most importantly, she understands. It is really lovely.
I thank the rock and the girl climber for lessons learned today.
Today, I get up extra early on my day off, catch a bus to Boulder, and meet a girl who knows how to lead climbs. In other words, she knows where there are some really cool rocks that we can climb, and she has the gear, skill, and knowledge to get us safely up and down the climbs.
As soon as I get in her car, she starts speaking lingo that I am unfamiliar with. Climbers, like any subculture, have their own language.
She asks what my goals are with climbing. I tell her, for now, I want to get stronger in general. I also want to learn to use my legs more.
I ask her how long she's been climbing. Five years, she says. She started out deathly afraid of heights-scared even to stand on a second story balcony. She wanted to get over that, so every day for three weeks, she went to the climbing gym near her house and tried the same route over and over again until she got to the top of it.
She tried a couple of outdoor climbs that summer, and then eventually got to a point where she was ready to try harder and harder stuff. She also got to a point where she was ready to be a lead climber. She thought she would never do lead climbs outside, but she did. She thought she would only do sport lead climbs but we are doing trad climbing today, so she obviously got over that as well.
By the way, sport climbing means there are bolts already in the rock and you climb to them, attach your rope to them, and continue climbing from bolt to bolt until you reach the top. Trad, short for traditional, climbing means you have to have special gear to stick in the rock-wherever you want (as long as it's safe). This gives a person a lot more options, but with freedom comes responsibility.
This gal is nothing if not responsible. She is my age and already the mother of four children. She shows me how she puts the gear in and why. She lets me "clean her gear" which means I climb after she's set the route and take back all her hardware that was stuck in the rock. This is a good new challenge for me because I have to be sure I'm steady enough to have a hand free for pulling things out and clipping them to my harness.
She shows me the basics to setting an anchor-to have more than one point, all less than 90 degree angles, all attached to different things, all coming together in one knot so they take pressure off one another, all going in the right direction. This is good for me to know so that whenever I go out with someone, I can feel safer and know if they are being safe.
Rock climbing can be a little scary, but it is so much fun once you see that you can do things to prevent falls. I love climbing, especially outside, where you are connected to the rock. You have to listen to the ancient stones and be strong and patient like they are. You always have a new challenge, both mentally and physically.
The part that got me hooked in the first place was the very first time I lay back and was lowered down off the rock. Wow! There are so many times in life when I know I am clinging to the edge of something shaking in fear. Sometimes, I remember that I am connected to the source (in this case, a strong anchor, in other cases, something more cosmic) and I am safe. Then, I can lay back, watch where I am going, but let go and bounce through the air. It's totally awesome.
Today, my girl climbing partner teaches me how to repel my own self down. That's a little scary because now the safe source that I am relying on is mySELF! As she put it, "you are going to put my life in my own hands? What were you thinking?!?" I do it and I make it, but I am scared. This is the next step in my journey-learning to trust myself a little more.
Climbing is awesome, but climbing with a fellow woman who can teach me stuff is the most wonderful thing ever. She knows how to get around the barriers that we have, being shorter and not as strong as most of the guys who climb. She tells me some tricks, but most importantly, she understands. It is really lovely.
I thank the rock and the girl climber for lessons learned today.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
If the Buddha Dated
May 2, 2009
I am not very interested in dating at the moment, but I am on a Buddha kick these days, so when a friend of mine loans me a book by Charlotte Kasl called “If the Buddha Dated”, I give it a try.
I have only just begun to read it, but already feel much more enlightened. She says that we make ourselves miserable when we hold onto very particular expectations about how things-in this case, people we are dating-need to be. Life never goes exactly how we want it to. She encourages us to accept and love what is rather than fret about what doesn’t turn out just the way we want it to.
She talks about enjoying a moment with someone you are dating in the same way that you would enjoy a sunset. Know that it will not stay this way forever. Count on change, but live this moment fully. Know that whatever happens next will be different and fine no matter what.
She says it is important not to let the ground get too firm under our feet. It is our ego that clings to routine, certainty, having life be reduced to a collection of knowable parts. The thing that is bothersome about the ego and its wants is that life doesn’t work the way the ego needs it to. The more we give in to the sway of our ego, the more disappointed we set ourselves up to be.
I know I still have a long way to go on this journey, especially in the dating world. I have found myself in a cycle of excitement, expectation, and then disappointment again and again.
It’s been fun telling myself that the disappointment comes only from the guys I dated being schmucks, but in reality it comes from me. The sooner I know and except this, the sooner I can do something different and get something more satisfying in return.
The trick for me is remembering these pearls of wisdom in the heat of the moment. So many times, old habits have an easy way of totally taking over where wisdom used to be.
Just to be clear, I am not trying to beat myself up here. The guys I chose to date were in some cases totally schmucks. But, I still need to take responsibility for my share. It is tricky to get the balance right between self-deprecation and finger-pointing.
Actually, I think what Ms. Kasl’s talking about isn’t even on the same continuum. There is no blame in the Buddha world. All that is just is. Our ego is the part that wants to judge and put more meaning to the chaos of life. When we step out of our bubbles, we let go of the judgments and see life more honestly.
The first step is awareness. In this moment, I am here.
I am not very interested in dating at the moment, but I am on a Buddha kick these days, so when a friend of mine loans me a book by Charlotte Kasl called “If the Buddha Dated”, I give it a try.
I have only just begun to read it, but already feel much more enlightened. She says that we make ourselves miserable when we hold onto very particular expectations about how things-in this case, people we are dating-need to be. Life never goes exactly how we want it to. She encourages us to accept and love what is rather than fret about what doesn’t turn out just the way we want it to.
She talks about enjoying a moment with someone you are dating in the same way that you would enjoy a sunset. Know that it will not stay this way forever. Count on change, but live this moment fully. Know that whatever happens next will be different and fine no matter what.
She says it is important not to let the ground get too firm under our feet. It is our ego that clings to routine, certainty, having life be reduced to a collection of knowable parts. The thing that is bothersome about the ego and its wants is that life doesn’t work the way the ego needs it to. The more we give in to the sway of our ego, the more disappointed we set ourselves up to be.
I know I still have a long way to go on this journey, especially in the dating world. I have found myself in a cycle of excitement, expectation, and then disappointment again and again.
It’s been fun telling myself that the disappointment comes only from the guys I dated being schmucks, but in reality it comes from me. The sooner I know and except this, the sooner I can do something different and get something more satisfying in return.
The trick for me is remembering these pearls of wisdom in the heat of the moment. So many times, old habits have an easy way of totally taking over where wisdom used to be.
Just to be clear, I am not trying to beat myself up here. The guys I chose to date were in some cases totally schmucks. But, I still need to take responsibility for my share. It is tricky to get the balance right between self-deprecation and finger-pointing.
Actually, I think what Ms. Kasl’s talking about isn’t even on the same continuum. There is no blame in the Buddha world. All that is just is. Our ego is the part that wants to judge and put more meaning to the chaos of life. When we step out of our bubbles, we let go of the judgments and see life more honestly.
The first step is awareness. In this moment, I am here.
May Day!
May 1, 2009
Today is our first day in the “new” house. The house is actually many decades old, perhaps a century or more, but it’s new to my roommate Rachel and me. The owners are leaving for Vietnam in a few weeks, but in the meantime they are staying at a studio apartment in the house right next door to us.
Rachel and I are having a great time getting to know each other. I help her borrow a bed from my parents’ place. As we walk up to the house with the mattress, we smell gas.
We do some investigations but find no reason for the smell. We call the property management company’s “emergency” line. They say they’ll get back to us within 15 minutes. We never hear from them again.
The gas smell doesn’t dissipate, so we try calling the owners. Since they live right next door and this is our first day in their house, I want to avoid having them come home to discover a fire truck in front of their house. Nobody picks up. Rachel goes next door and rings their bell. She comes back to report that nobody is answering.
We decide to contact the fire department. They tell us to wait outside and someone will be over shortly. Rachel suggests we could meet a nice guy this way. I am wearing a pink terrycloth bathrobe. I wonder if the guys will think that’s hot.
We’re standing on the steps as the wail of fire engines screams down the city streets. “Is that for us?” I wonder. I hope that’s somebody else’s emergency and that they will be “chill” and keep it on the “down-low” for us. A few seconds later, three fire engines screech down our street, lights twirling toward us.
Several huge, handsome young men pop out. They have on their traditional hats, boots, jackets, flashlights, and axes. “What are they going to do with the axes?!?”
They go inside. I am glad Joe and Nancy (the owners) are not around to get the surprise of seeing a bunch of fire trucks and flashing lights outside their house.
Rachel thinks this will be a nice way to meet some neighbors. Here comes one right now. Charlie lives across the street.
From the other direction comes Nancy in her pajamas looking very worried. I tell her we smelled gas. She goes after the firemen. I am amazed at this one guy whose biceps are as big as a lady’s waist. He seems so nice too. I wish I wasn’t in my bathrobe.
Joe comes out and says “you guys are out of here!” He’s totally joking. He says he smells the gas too. The fire people do their fire thing and come out to say that they do not detect any levels of bad stuff at all. We thank them for their time.
Happy housewarming!
Today is our first day in the “new” house. The house is actually many decades old, perhaps a century or more, but it’s new to my roommate Rachel and me. The owners are leaving for Vietnam in a few weeks, but in the meantime they are staying at a studio apartment in the house right next door to us.
Rachel and I are having a great time getting to know each other. I help her borrow a bed from my parents’ place. As we walk up to the house with the mattress, we smell gas.
We do some investigations but find no reason for the smell. We call the property management company’s “emergency” line. They say they’ll get back to us within 15 minutes. We never hear from them again.
The gas smell doesn’t dissipate, so we try calling the owners. Since they live right next door and this is our first day in their house, I want to avoid having them come home to discover a fire truck in front of their house. Nobody picks up. Rachel goes next door and rings their bell. She comes back to report that nobody is answering.
We decide to contact the fire department. They tell us to wait outside and someone will be over shortly. Rachel suggests we could meet a nice guy this way. I am wearing a pink terrycloth bathrobe. I wonder if the guys will think that’s hot.
We’re standing on the steps as the wail of fire engines screams down the city streets. “Is that for us?” I wonder. I hope that’s somebody else’s emergency and that they will be “chill” and keep it on the “down-low” for us. A few seconds later, three fire engines screech down our street, lights twirling toward us.
Several huge, handsome young men pop out. They have on their traditional hats, boots, jackets, flashlights, and axes. “What are they going to do with the axes?!?”
They go inside. I am glad Joe and Nancy (the owners) are not around to get the surprise of seeing a bunch of fire trucks and flashing lights outside their house.
Rachel thinks this will be a nice way to meet some neighbors. Here comes one right now. Charlie lives across the street.
From the other direction comes Nancy in her pajamas looking very worried. I tell her we smelled gas. She goes after the firemen. I am amazed at this one guy whose biceps are as big as a lady’s waist. He seems so nice too. I wish I wasn’t in my bathrobe.
Joe comes out and says “you guys are out of here!” He’s totally joking. He says he smells the gas too. The fire people do their fire thing and come out to say that they do not detect any levels of bad stuff at all. We thank them for their time.
Happy housewarming!
The Derailer Bike Collective
Today is Tuesday, April 28th. I get off work early so that I can take my bike to this place I’ve been hearing about for a while. I use mainly a bike for transportation, having given up my car a couple of years ago after I noticed that I wasn’t using it and it was costing me way more than it was worth. My road rage is more manageable, too. But, riding a bike daily puts a lot more wear and tear on it than it was made to do.
When a spoke pops out of the back tire making it wobbly and the handlebars slip down the front wheel, I take the bike to the local bike shop across from where I live.
The mechanic fixes the immediate problems but tells me if I want to get the bike back in shape it will cost about the same as just buying another bike. He encourages me to pick something out.
The bikes are nice, but they are about $1000. Plus, I wonder how much of that “it’s getting old, time to replace it with something new” attitude contributes to our hugely out of control consumption problem here in the United States. I decide to hold off on buying a new bike and check out the Derailer bike shop first.
The only other place besides the library where you can get totally great stuff for free is the Derailer Bike Collective. It is as much about building community and recycling bike parts as it is about fixing bikes. When I go check it out myself, I discover that it is also all about empowering women to deal with all the mechanical things we were told growing up we couldn’t do.
The Derailer is a little tricky to find. You go down one street until it seems to dead-end at the railroad tracks, and then you go down into a little dirt hole. The bike shop is hidden away in an urban valley. It has a big dirt yard with a broken down bus out front. There are big industrial looking wooden spools outside that people are sitting on.
At first, there are just two homeless guys and a woman sitting on a bench. Then, a woman with a huge poof of dreadlocks walks her bike down and parks herself on one of the wooden spools.
I am told to put my name on the list that is sitting under a rock. After a minute, I find the rock and add myself to the list of about 5 people already on it.
A little girl is talking loudly as she rolls down the hill toward the dirt yard. She asks nobody in particular when the shop opens. I tell her 4:00. She scoots back up the hill.
A woman rides up, locks her stuff up, and opens the garage door. The “regulars” start to file in, looking at bike parts and making their way to the back where the “new” bikes are located. You are allowed one free bike a year. The homeless woman says that’s what she’s come for. Others, like myself, want help in fixing the bikes they already have. Tuesdays are “Women’s Only” night. The mechanics are all female. When it’s your turn, the mechanic finds you off the list and spends up to 45 minutes at a time showing you anything you want to know.
When my name is called, the mechanic helps me get my bike up into the stem of the bike holder. She shows me how to adjust the brakes and tighten the cable. She says I can use the bike holder and their supplies and tools for as long as I like.
Five minutes after she starts teaching me stuff, the loud little girl comes back down on her bike and totally interrupts us as if I’m not even there. She wants help fixing a flat tire. The mechanic is very patient with her, tries to explain that she needs to wait her turn but when that doesn’t work, tries to help both of us at the same time.
At first I am annoyed. This girl needs to wait her turn like everyone else. But in the end, it is pretty awesome that this little girl fixes her tire all by herself. The mechanic knows her by name, so she must come here a lot. Maybe this little girl needs this place and the attention of the female role models she has found here. Maybe fixing her bike tire is the one way she can feel successful today.
I clean up my bike, find out from the mechanic some of the basics like how to see if the chain or brake pads need to be replaced. Those were the two main items the first mechanic told me I should look at replacing soon. Now I feel like I have control over knowing when my bike needs attention. I also think I can get a lot more life out of it for a lot less money with the Derailer because they will help me install parts for free.
What a totally awesome place. I give them a $25 donation on my way out-much less than I would have paid anywhere else.
When a spoke pops out of the back tire making it wobbly and the handlebars slip down the front wheel, I take the bike to the local bike shop across from where I live.
The mechanic fixes the immediate problems but tells me if I want to get the bike back in shape it will cost about the same as just buying another bike. He encourages me to pick something out.
The bikes are nice, but they are about $1000. Plus, I wonder how much of that “it’s getting old, time to replace it with something new” attitude contributes to our hugely out of control consumption problem here in the United States. I decide to hold off on buying a new bike and check out the Derailer bike shop first.
The only other place besides the library where you can get totally great stuff for free is the Derailer Bike Collective. It is as much about building community and recycling bike parts as it is about fixing bikes. When I go check it out myself, I discover that it is also all about empowering women to deal with all the mechanical things we were told growing up we couldn’t do.
The Derailer is a little tricky to find. You go down one street until it seems to dead-end at the railroad tracks, and then you go down into a little dirt hole. The bike shop is hidden away in an urban valley. It has a big dirt yard with a broken down bus out front. There are big industrial looking wooden spools outside that people are sitting on.
At first, there are just two homeless guys and a woman sitting on a bench. Then, a woman with a huge poof of dreadlocks walks her bike down and parks herself on one of the wooden spools.
I am told to put my name on the list that is sitting under a rock. After a minute, I find the rock and add myself to the list of about 5 people already on it.
A little girl is talking loudly as she rolls down the hill toward the dirt yard. She asks nobody in particular when the shop opens. I tell her 4:00. She scoots back up the hill.
A woman rides up, locks her stuff up, and opens the garage door. The “regulars” start to file in, looking at bike parts and making their way to the back where the “new” bikes are located. You are allowed one free bike a year. The homeless woman says that’s what she’s come for. Others, like myself, want help in fixing the bikes they already have. Tuesdays are “Women’s Only” night. The mechanics are all female. When it’s your turn, the mechanic finds you off the list and spends up to 45 minutes at a time showing you anything you want to know.
When my name is called, the mechanic helps me get my bike up into the stem of the bike holder. She shows me how to adjust the brakes and tighten the cable. She says I can use the bike holder and their supplies and tools for as long as I like.
Five minutes after she starts teaching me stuff, the loud little girl comes back down on her bike and totally interrupts us as if I’m not even there. She wants help fixing a flat tire. The mechanic is very patient with her, tries to explain that she needs to wait her turn but when that doesn’t work, tries to help both of us at the same time.
At first I am annoyed. This girl needs to wait her turn like everyone else. But in the end, it is pretty awesome that this little girl fixes her tire all by herself. The mechanic knows her by name, so she must come here a lot. Maybe this little girl needs this place and the attention of the female role models she has found here. Maybe fixing her bike tire is the one way she can feel successful today.
I clean up my bike, find out from the mechanic some of the basics like how to see if the chain or brake pads need to be replaced. Those were the two main items the first mechanic told me I should look at replacing soon. Now I feel like I have control over knowing when my bike needs attention. I also think I can get a lot more life out of it for a lot less money with the Derailer because they will help me install parts for free.
What a totally awesome place. I give them a $25 donation on my way out-much less than I would have paid anywhere else.
Going Green
April 25, 2009
Green is the new black, that’s what they say. Going green has been important to me for a while-even before it became so trendy. Today, I am very excited to join up with a returned Peace Corps Volunteer group in Denver to do some volunteering for a green cause.
We meet at a local neighborhood church. There are already a bunch of other people waiting inside. They are all members of the neighborhood association. All around Denver, neighborhoods are making an effort to go green with a project called “Greenprint”. This is a government program that is run out of the mayor’s office.
A woman representing the project stands up and tells us more about it and what we’ll be doing today. She is very knowledgeable about all things green. She tells us that we are doing the first neighborhood-sponsored “blitz” today. We will be going door-to-door, neighbor-to-neighbor to give people free Green gifts.
We have a bag of CFL (energy efficient) light bulbs to give away as well as free reusable grocery bags. We also have a lot of services to offer-all for free. For example, people who qualify can use some of the stimulus money to get their homes weatherized and even get a free energy-efficient refrigerator. They can sign up for totally free recycling, and they can choose to switch their power source from coal burning to wind energy. We help them reduce their junk mail.
We also sit down and talk to Mary who must be about 89 years old. She says she is lonely. She tells us she wishes there was less trash out in the alley and asks if there is any way we can tell the Mayor’s office to get a dumpster out there. We install a light bulb for her. This project is about people connecting with other people and caring for each other as well as for our Mother Earth.
We have coupons to save hundreds of dollars on electric lawn mowers. People are excited about all of the possibilities. They thank us for standing out in the cold rain today going door-to-door talking to the neighbors about these important issues. I feel like I have truly made a difference today.
Green is the new black, that’s what they say. Going green has been important to me for a while-even before it became so trendy. Today, I am very excited to join up with a returned Peace Corps Volunteer group in Denver to do some volunteering for a green cause.
We meet at a local neighborhood church. There are already a bunch of other people waiting inside. They are all members of the neighborhood association. All around Denver, neighborhoods are making an effort to go green with a project called “Greenprint”. This is a government program that is run out of the mayor’s office.
A woman representing the project stands up and tells us more about it and what we’ll be doing today. She is very knowledgeable about all things green. She tells us that we are doing the first neighborhood-sponsored “blitz” today. We will be going door-to-door, neighbor-to-neighbor to give people free Green gifts.
We have a bag of CFL (energy efficient) light bulbs to give away as well as free reusable grocery bags. We also have a lot of services to offer-all for free. For example, people who qualify can use some of the stimulus money to get their homes weatherized and even get a free energy-efficient refrigerator. They can sign up for totally free recycling, and they can choose to switch their power source from coal burning to wind energy. We help them reduce their junk mail.
We also sit down and talk to Mary who must be about 89 years old. She says she is lonely. She tells us she wishes there was less trash out in the alley and asks if there is any way we can tell the Mayor’s office to get a dumpster out there. We install a light bulb for her. This project is about people connecting with other people and caring for each other as well as for our Mother Earth.
We have coupons to save hundreds of dollars on electric lawn mowers. People are excited about all of the possibilities. They thank us for standing out in the cold rain today going door-to-door talking to the neighbors about these important issues. I feel like I have truly made a difference today.
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