April 17, 2009
Today, I get the opportunity to spend some time in the classroom with a group of middle school students. They are in 8th grade and getting ready to journey on to high school. I ask them what they are looking forward to or scared of, but before I get all the words out I already know I will be met with total silence. What 14 year old is brave enough to talk about their true feelings in front of their peers? It's too bad, because I am sure that they are all going through the same thing and if only one of them was brave enough to speak it out loud, everyone could breathe a sigh of relief.
I move on to the required portion of the lesson where I show them two high school transcripts: one is from a student who will not be graduating this year. She started failing almost all of her classes from 10th grade on. Then, I show them the transcript of the top Latino male in the whole school. He has a full-ride scholarship pretty much anywhere he wants to go. He's already been taking college classes. He has almost entirely all A's in his classes-classes that are honors and AP or college level. This kid kicks butt! People are impressed!
And then a short Mexican kid in the front row says, "Yeah, but it doesn't matter because he'll still just be flipping burgers at McDonald's anyways." Sometimes, kids this age are such smart mouths, but I had the feeling that was not the case this time around. His statement comes from experience. What has he seen happen in his own life and to his own family? I can only imagine.
When I spent the years in Africa, it was easy to see how people there were oppressed. They didn't even have basic health care or education. How can people rise up, much less maintain status quo, when they are sick and unaware?
Here, the ways in which we systematically squish groups of people down are different but no less real. Some would argue with that point. Some might say we have come so far. I say we still have a long way to go.
And yet, I want to believe that this top Latino male student is going to make it. We've seen others who have found their way through the tangly webs of the isms they were born into. I want for that little Mexican kid, and for all the others in the class, to know how much they are truly capable of.
I am saddened to think that these children truly believe they are worth less because of their race, ethnicity, and class. Their personal life experiences are profound teachers. Why should they believe me over that?
I am trying to see if this top Latino student will come talk to the 8th grade class. I want the students to see examples of what is possible. They have seen enough examples of dreams stamped out.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
We are All One
April 16, 2009
It hits me today as I am talking to a family member how nice it is to speak to someone who understands and is going through the same thing. Then, I thought about a lady I work with who probably has a very different way of looking at life than I do. It is so easy to feel connected to people when the commonalities are right on the surface and so difficult to feel connected to those who we disagree with.
And yet, my church teaches that we are all one, and I believe this is true. We come from the same source and are made up of the same recirculating energy. We share all the same experiences, thoughts, feelings, and sensations.
In Meditation class, I recall one lesson about happiness. We practiced feeling truly happy for another person. Later, we talked about how feeling happy-not hyper, but peacefully satisfied-is our birthright. I asked, if it is what we are born to do, why is it so difficult sometimes? The answer: we are always forgetting that we are all one and connected.
The next morning, when I went for my jog, I realized that indeed I had been separating myself from other people and this was what caused me pain. For example, I would see a fat man jogging by and get all judgemental, thinking, "Oh, I'm glad I'm not fat like that guy." Or, I would see a beautiful woman and think, "I wish I could be more like that woman." Either way, I ended up feeling worse for those thoughts. They are not true. The truth is, I am the fat man and I am the beautiful woman. We are all one.
It hits me today as I am talking to a family member how nice it is to speak to someone who understands and is going through the same thing. Then, I thought about a lady I work with who probably has a very different way of looking at life than I do. It is so easy to feel connected to people when the commonalities are right on the surface and so difficult to feel connected to those who we disagree with.
And yet, my church teaches that we are all one, and I believe this is true. We come from the same source and are made up of the same recirculating energy. We share all the same experiences, thoughts, feelings, and sensations.
In Meditation class, I recall one lesson about happiness. We practiced feeling truly happy for another person. Later, we talked about how feeling happy-not hyper, but peacefully satisfied-is our birthright. I asked, if it is what we are born to do, why is it so difficult sometimes? The answer: we are always forgetting that we are all one and connected.
The next morning, when I went for my jog, I realized that indeed I had been separating myself from other people and this was what caused me pain. For example, I would see a fat man jogging by and get all judgemental, thinking, "Oh, I'm glad I'm not fat like that guy." Or, I would see a beautiful woman and think, "I wish I could be more like that woman." Either way, I ended up feeling worse for those thoughts. They are not true. The truth is, I am the fat man and I am the beautiful woman. We are all one.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Living in Community
4/14/09
I recently moved from a condo by myself to a house shared with others. Today, while taking a shower, I noticed a thick, black, curly hair in my soap dish. It was too thick and too black to be mine. But, despite the fact that we can all guess from whence this hair came (not who, but which part of the body), I found myself more delighted than dismayed.
It is awesome to live in a place where things happen that don't all have to do with me. You never know what you will find when you live in community, but I think whatever it is, it is a gift.
...you can all consider yourselves lucky that I don't have a camera yet...
I recently moved from a condo by myself to a house shared with others. Today, while taking a shower, I noticed a thick, black, curly hair in my soap dish. It was too thick and too black to be mine. But, despite the fact that we can all guess from whence this hair came (not who, but which part of the body), I found myself more delighted than dismayed.
It is awesome to live in a place where things happen that don't all have to do with me. You never know what you will find when you live in community, but I think whatever it is, it is a gift.
...you can all consider yourselves lucky that I don't have a camera yet...
Isolation Versus Relationship
4/15/09
Erik Erikson had this idea that we go through a lot of different developmental stages. One stage happens when we grapple with whether or not to live life independently or within relationship with another.
In my adult life, I have lived as a perpetually single gal with smatterings of minor relationships that don’t last very long and are not healthy enough to make it past the first stages of dating.
A year ago, I wouldn’t have felt qualified to say what couples in romantic relationships do. Thanks to a man I met at church, I can say now I’ve had a taste of it.
For ten months, we had a wonderful, joyful time together. Not every day was perfect by any means, but I see what it is like to have someone in my life. I know what it means to compromise in a healthy way; I have learned how relationships can change a person, make them grow. I know the joy of saying one day after another “yes again” to the choice of entering back into a relationship. Every day, I gave it as much of my heart and soul as I possibly could and for that I have no regrets.
This was a gift-something I had wanted for a long time-just to know what being in a healthier relationship feels like. I know now that all those other less healthy relationships I’ve been through do not mean there is something fundamentally broken about me. I can say that I haven’t been very lucky in love, but I do know how to love and be loved. For this, I feel great appreciation for him, the former boyfriend.
Through all of these ups and downs, I have learned to take care of myself and how to be in relationship with the whole wide world. As a single person, I still have choices to make everyday about how I want to love and be loved, but they are different from the choices couples in romantic relationships need to make.
I hope someday I will have the chance again to be in a healthy romantic relationship. But, in the meantime, I know now that my path as a single person comes with just as many lessons and growth opportunities. I am trying to embrace the gifts that my life has to offer me-without putting stipulations on what it has to look like and without judging myself for being different.
Erik Erikson had this idea that we go through a lot of different developmental stages. One stage happens when we grapple with whether or not to live life independently or within relationship with another.
In my adult life, I have lived as a perpetually single gal with smatterings of minor relationships that don’t last very long and are not healthy enough to make it past the first stages of dating.
A year ago, I wouldn’t have felt qualified to say what couples in romantic relationships do. Thanks to a man I met at church, I can say now I’ve had a taste of it.
For ten months, we had a wonderful, joyful time together. Not every day was perfect by any means, but I see what it is like to have someone in my life. I know what it means to compromise in a healthy way; I have learned how relationships can change a person, make them grow. I know the joy of saying one day after another “yes again” to the choice of entering back into a relationship. Every day, I gave it as much of my heart and soul as I possibly could and for that I have no regrets.
This was a gift-something I had wanted for a long time-just to know what being in a healthier relationship feels like. I know now that all those other less healthy relationships I’ve been through do not mean there is something fundamentally broken about me. I can say that I haven’t been very lucky in love, but I do know how to love and be loved. For this, I feel great appreciation for him, the former boyfriend.
Through all of these ups and downs, I have learned to take care of myself and how to be in relationship with the whole wide world. As a single person, I still have choices to make everyday about how I want to love and be loved, but they are different from the choices couples in romantic relationships need to make.
I hope someday I will have the chance again to be in a healthy romantic relationship. But, in the meantime, I know now that my path as a single person comes with just as many lessons and growth opportunities. I am trying to embrace the gifts that my life has to offer me-without putting stipulations on what it has to look like and without judging myself for being different.
Easter Meditation
April 12, 2009
Tonight, I go to the meditation class that meets weekly at my church. It is Easter evening. The room is crowded-almost every chair and floor space has a person in it. The teacher has us sit still and listen to our breath, paying attention to sensory stimuli and to any thoughts or feelings that arise within us.
We do this for 45 minutes. Then, he talks to us about living and dying. He tells us there is a cycle going on for all of us from one moment to the next where we make up who we are and make up each other as well. He says there is no such thing as the self.
He then tells us that every feeling and thought we experience comes from something we’ve experienced in the past. One woman asks how we could have a memory of things before if we don't exist. Our teacher tells us that Buddha would say we both exist and do not exist. What does this mean? I don’t get it.
Later that night, I go home and go to sleep. Like many other nights lately, I wake up in the wee hours after having dreamed of my ex-boyfriend. In tonight's dream, he tells me he loves me, and I wake up in a panic because I know this is no longer true. I start to understand what the teacher means when he says the only thing we can count on is change.
Looking at my ex, I start to see how he-and me, and everyone else I know-could be said to not really exist because we are constantly changing-we are one thing and then totally something else from one moment to the next. I wonder if we have to be senseless strings of divergent moments or if by our choices we could make ourselves into something more solid. Do we have the power, if we make aware choices from one moment to the next, to create consistency in our lives?
I think it isn’t easy, but it isn’t impossible. I decide to start making better choices and becoming more aware of what goes on-both inside and around me.
Tonight, I go to the meditation class that meets weekly at my church. It is Easter evening. The room is crowded-almost every chair and floor space has a person in it. The teacher has us sit still and listen to our breath, paying attention to sensory stimuli and to any thoughts or feelings that arise within us.
We do this for 45 minutes. Then, he talks to us about living and dying. He tells us there is a cycle going on for all of us from one moment to the next where we make up who we are and make up each other as well. He says there is no such thing as the self.
He then tells us that every feeling and thought we experience comes from something we’ve experienced in the past. One woman asks how we could have a memory of things before if we don't exist. Our teacher tells us that Buddha would say we both exist and do not exist. What does this mean? I don’t get it.
Later that night, I go home and go to sleep. Like many other nights lately, I wake up in the wee hours after having dreamed of my ex-boyfriend. In tonight's dream, he tells me he loves me, and I wake up in a panic because I know this is no longer true. I start to understand what the teacher means when he says the only thing we can count on is change.
Looking at my ex, I start to see how he-and me, and everyone else I know-could be said to not really exist because we are constantly changing-we are one thing and then totally something else from one moment to the next. I wonder if we have to be senseless strings of divergent moments or if by our choices we could make ourselves into something more solid. Do we have the power, if we make aware choices from one moment to the next, to create consistency in our lives?
I think it isn’t easy, but it isn’t impossible. I decide to start making better choices and becoming more aware of what goes on-both inside and around me.
Tragedy Strikes Again
April 14, 2009
It is a difficult week. I change jobs and move and am still adjusting. My boyfriend is no longer my boyfriend.
I find myself psychologically like a shaking puppy huddled in a corner waiting for the newspaper to whop me again.
In other times of my life when I was free falling without a safety net, there was only one way out. Sitting still instead of clinging or running away is the one natural and honest way I have found to get rid of the things I am most afraid of and to be free from obsessive desire for things that will never be mine. It is a way to achieve a sense of peace, and it is how I can live with more compassion and less fear.
Now is a time for meditation. I have decided to blog about what I learn. Join me in this voyage of self-discovery. If we are lucky, we'll get some good pearls of wisdom and maybe a few laughs along the way.
It is a difficult week. I change jobs and move and am still adjusting. My boyfriend is no longer my boyfriend.
I find myself psychologically like a shaking puppy huddled in a corner waiting for the newspaper to whop me again.
In other times of my life when I was free falling without a safety net, there was only one way out. Sitting still instead of clinging or running away is the one natural and honest way I have found to get rid of the things I am most afraid of and to be free from obsessive desire for things that will never be mine. It is a way to achieve a sense of peace, and it is how I can live with more compassion and less fear.
Now is a time for meditation. I have decided to blog about what I learn. Join me in this voyage of self-discovery. If we are lucky, we'll get some good pearls of wisdom and maybe a few laughs along the way.
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