Eating the Shadow

May 19, 2009

There is this notion that within each of us lay hidden things that fill us with shadows. These are the parts of ourselves that don’t come out in the light of day. They are still there, very present and active but often not a part of our conscious understanding of who we are.

For me, I know that one of my “shadow pieces” is the feeling of anger. Ever since I was a small child, I was told not to get upset or angry. Over time, I learned to push the angry feelings down deeper and not let them explode out of me.

I learned to share my toys, to not be greedy, to be a “nice girl”. This is how I ensured that I would be accepted and loved. It is still the way I tend to operate today.

The “me” that is already in the spotlight is the nice girl, but standing in the dark are all those other traits that I was born with and that we all have as human beings: anger, rage, greed, ignorance, insensitivity, destructiveness.

As I try to push these shadows away or run from them, my feelings of fear grow. I am afraid that all of these “bad things” are going to pop out of their seams, spill out everywhere, and nobody will ever love me again.

You know that movie, “Castaway” with Tom Hanks? It represents to me the very worst thing that could possibly ever happen-to be isolated from everyone else for the rest of my life. Nothing could be worse.

But, I am human. All those “bad things” that I tend to be embarrassed about, we all have in us. Admitting that they are there isn’t going to make everyone shun me. Telling the truth will invite more wisdom and compassion into my life and some people find it refreshing.

It is very painful to look at our shadows because in doing so, we have to face our strongest fears. But, the things in the shadows are sacred. It is my giant inner judge who points to this-or-that and calls it good, bad, or ugly. My judge very often if not always acts out of ego and not from wisdom. Wisdom is much more compassionate than my judge tends to be.

I haven’t quite gotten there yet, but I hope to learn to love my shadow pieces. I would like to get to a point where I can eat the shadows and take in their nourishment. They are like mushrooms-you could walk right over them for years and not know it, but then once you find them, they are unlike anything else and can be so delicious.

Whether we “eat” our shadow parts or not, they are still there. Watch how you react to certain behaviors in other people. Those things that really get your goat or totally floor you with admiration are the very things that lay hidden inside of you. See the ways you project your own shadow thoughts and feelings onto others. Embracing our shadows is embracing truth, and the truth shall set you free.

"The courage with which we bare our own shadow prevents others from needing to carry it for us."

-John Tarrant, as quoted by Donald Rothberg.

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