If the Buddha Dated

May 2, 2009

I am not very interested in dating at the moment, but I am on a Buddha kick these days, so when a friend of mine loans me a book by Charlotte Kasl called “If the Buddha Dated”, I give it a try.

I have only just begun to read it, but already feel much more enlightened. She says that we make ourselves miserable when we hold onto very particular expectations about how things-in this case, people we are dating-need to be. Life never goes exactly how we want it to. She encourages us to accept and love what is rather than fret about what doesn’t turn out just the way we want it to.

She talks about enjoying a moment with someone you are dating in the same way that you would enjoy a sunset. Know that it will not stay this way forever. Count on change, but live this moment fully. Know that whatever happens next will be different and fine no matter what.

She says it is important not to let the ground get too firm under our feet. It is our ego that clings to routine, certainty, having life be reduced to a collection of knowable parts. The thing that is bothersome about the ego and its wants is that life doesn’t work the way the ego needs it to. The more we give in to the sway of our ego, the more disappointed we set ourselves up to be.

I know I still have a long way to go on this journey, especially in the dating world. I have found myself in a cycle of excitement, expectation, and then disappointment again and again.

It’s been fun telling myself that the disappointment comes only from the guys I dated being schmucks, but in reality it comes from me. The sooner I know and except this, the sooner I can do something different and get something more satisfying in return.

The trick for me is remembering these pearls of wisdom in the heat of the moment. So many times, old habits have an easy way of totally taking over where wisdom used to be.

Just to be clear, I am not trying to beat myself up here. The guys I chose to date were in some cases totally schmucks. But, I still need to take responsibility for my share. It is tricky to get the balance right between self-deprecation and finger-pointing.

Actually, I think what Ms. Kasl’s talking about isn’t even on the same continuum. There is no blame in the Buddha world. All that is just is. Our ego is the part that wants to judge and put more meaning to the chaos of life. When we step out of our bubbles, we let go of the judgments and see life more honestly.

The first step is awareness. In this moment, I am here.