Anti-Bullying Techniques

July 3, 2009

So, I just got back from this conference for School Counselors, right? One of the many useful workshops I went to was on how to help victims of bullying: http://www.bullies2buddies.com/.

I appreciated that Izzy (the creator of the program) points out that we ALL can be bullies sometimes whether we want to admit it or not. And, just because we're adults now doesn't mean we are no longer victims and bullies.

He goes through different scenarios, showing how when we react strongly to being hurt by what a bully does or says, we end up looking like the jerk. When we are calm and even solicitous with the bully, we diffuse the situation and look a lot better ourselves.

I asked him what we should have the kids do who don't really believe in the things that we're asking them to say. He said, "Fake it 'til you make it."

Just to give you an example of what this would look like, let's say Joe is being bullied by Samantha. Samantha: "You are such an idiot, Joe." Joe: "I know, sometimes I really can be an idiot. Thanks for trying to help me get better. Is there anything else that you would like to let me know? I'd like to hear what you have to say."

Originally, I was thinking about how to help my students use these techniques. Then, I had a couple of situations come up recently in my own life where I was able to employ them myself. At first, I did what I tend to do-took things personally and got really upset and offended. Then, I realized that I was not making the situation any better. I thought, "well, I feel bullied right now, why don't I just experiment with using Izzy's techniques?"

With the way I used to do things, I would try to be right and I would try to convince the other person they were wrong. I would sometimes be manipulative, or at the very least try to send them on a guilt trip. I felt and acted like a victim. As Izzy points out, it's not bullies who end up being suicidal or homicidal, it's the victims who end up shooting people up.

With Izzy's way, I felt like a good person, the best of me was shining through so that it didn't matter anymore who was right or wrong.

I feel so free now, not caring so much what response I get back from people because I see more clearly than ever how that's not in my control. Before, I would try to control their responses by painstakingly explaining my point of view and expecting them to respond with total understanding and compassion. How could I expect of them what I was not doing myself?

I discovered from this:

1. Even if I didn't fully mean it, just by saying the words I changed my perspective. I was able to see that from the other person's perspective, this is reality. Of course, that doesn't mean that it has to be my reality, but still, what a wonderful way to show compassion to another human being.

2. It really takes away the conflict when I can just admit to being a jerk. After all, who isn't a jerk sometimes? It actually helped me take myself less seriously and show a little more compassion for me when I was able to just admit that I messed up.

3. Even if I have great intentions, am a good person and mean well, as Izzy points out, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." To me, this is another way of showing that even if I know myself to be a decent, good person, that's not always enough. If another person was hurt by something I said or did, that is all I need to know. I can apologize, take my lumps, and not have to justify anything. By the same token, I also don't have to beat myself up for it. It's just a part of being human to sometimes hurt other people. It's a part of people to sometimes be hurt by each other. There's no way to avoid this, so I may as well accept it with compassion-for me and for them, deal with it as skillfully as possible, and let it go.

4. I can still hold onto and speak my truth. Just because I can enter into another person's world, see how they feel, and respond accordingly doesn't mean I have to ignore my own world. Sometimes, with the right people and in the right situations, I can even let people into that world-I can express to them how things they've said or done have hurt me. And, when I do this skillfully and with wisdom (knowing when, how, and who to do this with), I can actually reap the results I want-compassion, love, and understanding.

5. For a lot of other occassions, it is best to speak my truth in other ways and not directly to the person. It's good to start with myself. Often, t is enough for me to know my truth and have clarity within. Sometimes, when I try to explain it to another person who is not willing or ready to hear it, it just causes more conflict.

So, don't be surprised if you hear me say something like, "You're right. I really can be a jerk sometimes. Thanks for helping me out. Is there anything else you want to tell me, because I would like to hear about it?"

And, if any of you try this out I'd love to hear how it works, or doesn't work, for you.

I'd also like to hear if you disagree with this approach and want to say why.