July 24, 2009
Today, I was walking the streets of Golden, Colorado where I'm house sitting. It's Buffalo Bill Days which means the streets are closed off downtown and a lot of people are milling about looking at jewelry and buying turkey legs from vendors.
I had just met up with a new friend for tea and was on my way home when a stranger noticed me and started talking. He reminded me of my dad at first. I think it was his kind blue eyes. Right away he started talking about how he lives alone in Golden and works for Coors as a technician where he's been for over 20 years. He's looking forward to retirement in just a couple more years.
He said he's looking to date people but not ever get married again because he already tried that once and it didn't work out. They were together 17 years when they split up. It's been 10 years since the divorce but he still started crying when he told me about it today. He said she took a lot of money from him in the settlement. He thought she was the love of his life, and now he feels he is too old to trust anyone again. Not enough time.
He talked about his younger days, growing up in Houston and fighting gangs on the street. He talked about his first love-empty beer cans in the back seat of his car until he pulled over on the side of the road and slept until the morning. He says he still thinks of his first love every now and again but it doesn't bother him like it used to. Looking at his face, I could see the redness, the ruddy splotches and capillaries showing on his nose. Telltale signs, but maybe it's what keeps him going. Maybe it's what made her leave.
He regrets not having spent more time with his two kids. All those years working nights at the Coors factory and sleeping in the day when the kids had their baseball and soccer games. I wonder if they realize how much he wishes he knew them better.
So now, he looks forward to fishing on a lake somewhere. He says although he only talks to his four sisters once a year or so, he knows they'd do anything for each other.
His words of advice: stick up for yourself because if you don't stick up for yourself who will you stick up for? Know your limits: if your boss tries to promote you to a position for which you know you'd be incompetent at, don't take it. Learn from your past but take each day anew.
He was a high-school drop-out but after working at the factory 7 years, he was in charge of a lot of people. He said even though he knew what he was doing, he felt stupid around those other guys so he went back to school. He said it was the hardest time for him-working 8-9 hour days and taking night classes for 2-3 hours a night with a wife and two little kids at home.
He told me a few times how much money he makes and how much he'll be making in retirement. He says he wishes sometimes that he didn't spend so much of his life on work. There are things he realizes now that he missed out on.
I told him I had to go and asked if I could give him a hug. He said he really needed it. I could tell, that's why I wanted to do it. Touch is powerful and healing. He said it felt really good to get some of that stuff off his chest. I told him I appreciated him trusting me enough to tell it. I said it was a gift to me as well, and I meant it.
Tonight, I was just in a peaceful space. It started with the nice meeting with the new friend at the coffee shop. He was full of compliments for me which as much as I want to stay balanced about I must admit felt really good. From there, I guess I was just more open, more smiley, I could notice a lot of people saying hello as I walked the rest of the way home.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Taking Myself on a Date
July 18, 2009
So, I was supposed to go to Red Feather Lakes to meet up with some friends for a hike today, but that fell through because I was not feeling super great. I have a cold I think.
Instead, I took myself on a date today! First, I went to the climbing gym. I climbed a couple of 5.10's which I'd never done before. For those of you reading this who don't know what that means, it's basically just kicking things up a couple of notches from what I usually do. The climbs were very challenging and I had to struggle to get to the top which felt so good once accomplished!
After climbing, I cleaned up and went on a bike ride to my favorite frozen yogurt joint in Denver. Then, I hopped, skipped, and jumped to the movie theater to catch the Harry Potter flick. It was as lovely and exciting as I'd hoped it would be.
Phew! Since I'm not feeling really well, it was so nice to get to do what I wanted and not have to be social (it hurts a little to talk right now because my throat is sore).
All-in-all, I would recommend taking yourself out on a date once in a while. That's all I have to say for now. Have a lovely Saturday night, everyone!
So, I was supposed to go to Red Feather Lakes to meet up with some friends for a hike today, but that fell through because I was not feeling super great. I have a cold I think.
Instead, I took myself on a date today! First, I went to the climbing gym. I climbed a couple of 5.10's which I'd never done before. For those of you reading this who don't know what that means, it's basically just kicking things up a couple of notches from what I usually do. The climbs were very challenging and I had to struggle to get to the top which felt so good once accomplished!
After climbing, I cleaned up and went on a bike ride to my favorite frozen yogurt joint in Denver. Then, I hopped, skipped, and jumped to the movie theater to catch the Harry Potter flick. It was as lovely and exciting as I'd hoped it would be.
Phew! Since I'm not feeling really well, it was so nice to get to do what I wanted and not have to be social (it hurts a little to talk right now because my throat is sore).
All-in-all, I would recommend taking yourself out on a date once in a while. That's all I have to say for now. Have a lovely Saturday night, everyone!
Monday, July 6, 2009
How to Let Crazy Go
July 6, 2009
On my Facebook profile, I said that on my to-do list today was to let crazy go. I got some great responses from my friends, including one that said, "good luck with that-I've been trying to get rid of him but he keeps coming back." I have to thank the friend who made that comment, because it helped me realize something.
I've had that same experience, where every time something crazy happens, or more likely a person acts crazy to me, I want to try to make that craziness disappear and I never can. That then makes me feel crazy and suddenly I'm a dog chasing its tail.
My friend's comment helped me remember that crazy is always going to be around. It's like that weird guy at the bus stop. You see him every morning, maybe you start off saying hello and not noticing how insane he actually is. Eventually though, it hits you that he's really off his rocker in some way and now you still have to deal with him every morning when you get on the bus.
The times I get most upset are when the craziness blindsides me. If I don't see it coming, it hits me like a ton of bricks and takes me a really long time to recover from. But, if I can keep in mind that Crazy is always around, maybe I can deal with it more appropriately.
Maybe, knowing that the man at the bus stop is totally nuts, I can say, "hey there, crazy guy!" and smile and then let it go. He's still there and I know it, but I don't have to make it my personal problem that he exists, nor do I need to take him on as my cause. I only need to acknowledge his presence, if even just to myself. I can think, "Oh wow, there's Mr. Crazy again." But, I don't have to ingest it beyond that point.
So, for those friends who suddenly stopped talking to me for no apparent reason; for those people who act in any way that seems totally bizarre in a hurtful and thus crazy way; for all the hypocrisy, all the insanity that is just floating around in the world, I say, "hello, Mr. Crazy!" and then I let you go. You will not hold me down, at least not today. And, for as long as I can keep reminding myself to let you go, you will not take over or steal any more of my joy.
I know I won't be perfect at this. There will be things, probably everyday that will still surprise me for their craziness. That's OK. I don't want to be looking behind every person to see where their craziness is so I won't be shocked when I find it. I promise to still keep the faith when I meet a new friend, to trust people until they give me a reason not to, and to let life surprise me even if that scares me a little.
I just hope to recall, when I do get those inevitable shocks, that it's OK. Crazy is always floating around somewhere and I don't have to fix it or run away from it. I can just nod my head and walk on by.
On my Facebook profile, I said that on my to-do list today was to let crazy go. I got some great responses from my friends, including one that said, "good luck with that-I've been trying to get rid of him but he keeps coming back." I have to thank the friend who made that comment, because it helped me realize something.
I've had that same experience, where every time something crazy happens, or more likely a person acts crazy to me, I want to try to make that craziness disappear and I never can. That then makes me feel crazy and suddenly I'm a dog chasing its tail.
My friend's comment helped me remember that crazy is always going to be around. It's like that weird guy at the bus stop. You see him every morning, maybe you start off saying hello and not noticing how insane he actually is. Eventually though, it hits you that he's really off his rocker in some way and now you still have to deal with him every morning when you get on the bus.
The times I get most upset are when the craziness blindsides me. If I don't see it coming, it hits me like a ton of bricks and takes me a really long time to recover from. But, if I can keep in mind that Crazy is always around, maybe I can deal with it more appropriately.
Maybe, knowing that the man at the bus stop is totally nuts, I can say, "hey there, crazy guy!" and smile and then let it go. He's still there and I know it, but I don't have to make it my personal problem that he exists, nor do I need to take him on as my cause. I only need to acknowledge his presence, if even just to myself. I can think, "Oh wow, there's Mr. Crazy again." But, I don't have to ingest it beyond that point.
So, for those friends who suddenly stopped talking to me for no apparent reason; for those people who act in any way that seems totally bizarre in a hurtful and thus crazy way; for all the hypocrisy, all the insanity that is just floating around in the world, I say, "hello, Mr. Crazy!" and then I let you go. You will not hold me down, at least not today. And, for as long as I can keep reminding myself to let you go, you will not take over or steal any more of my joy.
I know I won't be perfect at this. There will be things, probably everyday that will still surprise me for their craziness. That's OK. I don't want to be looking behind every person to see where their craziness is so I won't be shocked when I find it. I promise to still keep the faith when I meet a new friend, to trust people until they give me a reason not to, and to let life surprise me even if that scares me a little.
I just hope to recall, when I do get those inevitable shocks, that it's OK. Crazy is always floating around somewhere and I don't have to fix it or run away from it. I can just nod my head and walk on by.
Friday, July 3, 2009
Anti-Bullying Techniques
July 3, 2009
So, I just got back from this conference for School Counselors, right? One of the many useful workshops I went to was on how to help victims of bullying: http://www.bullies2buddies.com/.
I appreciated that Izzy (the creator of the program) points out that we ALL can be bullies sometimes whether we want to admit it or not. And, just because we're adults now doesn't mean we are no longer victims and bullies.
He goes through different scenarios, showing how when we react strongly to being hurt by what a bully does or says, we end up looking like the jerk. When we are calm and even solicitous with the bully, we diffuse the situation and look a lot better ourselves.
I asked him what we should have the kids do who don't really believe in the things that we're asking them to say. He said, "Fake it 'til you make it."
Just to give you an example of what this would look like, let's say Joe is being bullied by Samantha. Samantha: "You are such an idiot, Joe." Joe: "I know, sometimes I really can be an idiot. Thanks for trying to help me get better. Is there anything else that you would like to let me know? I'd like to hear what you have to say."
Originally, I was thinking about how to help my students use these techniques. Then, I had a couple of situations come up recently in my own life where I was able to employ them myself. At first, I did what I tend to do-took things personally and got really upset and offended. Then, I realized that I was not making the situation any better. I thought, "well, I feel bullied right now, why don't I just experiment with using Izzy's techniques?"
With the way I used to do things, I would try to be right and I would try to convince the other person they were wrong. I would sometimes be manipulative, or at the very least try to send them on a guilt trip. I felt and acted like a victim. As Izzy points out, it's not bullies who end up being suicidal or homicidal, it's the victims who end up shooting people up.
With Izzy's way, I felt like a good person, the best of me was shining through so that it didn't matter anymore who was right or wrong.
I feel so free now, not caring so much what response I get back from people because I see more clearly than ever how that's not in my control. Before, I would try to control their responses by painstakingly explaining my point of view and expecting them to respond with total understanding and compassion. How could I expect of them what I was not doing myself?
I discovered from this:
1. Even if I didn't fully mean it, just by saying the words I changed my perspective. I was able to see that from the other person's perspective, this is reality. Of course, that doesn't mean that it has to be my reality, but still, what a wonderful way to show compassion to another human being.
2. It really takes away the conflict when I can just admit to being a jerk. After all, who isn't a jerk sometimes? It actually helped me take myself less seriously and show a little more compassion for me when I was able to just admit that I messed up.
3. Even if I have great intentions, am a good person and mean well, as Izzy points out, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." To me, this is another way of showing that even if I know myself to be a decent, good person, that's not always enough. If another person was hurt by something I said or did, that is all I need to know. I can apologize, take my lumps, and not have to justify anything. By the same token, I also don't have to beat myself up for it. It's just a part of being human to sometimes hurt other people. It's a part of people to sometimes be hurt by each other. There's no way to avoid this, so I may as well accept it with compassion-for me and for them, deal with it as skillfully as possible, and let it go.
4. I can still hold onto and speak my truth. Just because I can enter into another person's world, see how they feel, and respond accordingly doesn't mean I have to ignore my own world. Sometimes, with the right people and in the right situations, I can even let people into that world-I can express to them how things they've said or done have hurt me. And, when I do this skillfully and with wisdom (knowing when, how, and who to do this with), I can actually reap the results I want-compassion, love, and understanding.
5. For a lot of other occassions, it is best to speak my truth in other ways and not directly to the person. It's good to start with myself. Often, t is enough for me to know my truth and have clarity within. Sometimes, when I try to explain it to another person who is not willing or ready to hear it, it just causes more conflict.
So, don't be surprised if you hear me say something like, "You're right. I really can be a jerk sometimes. Thanks for helping me out. Is there anything else you want to tell me, because I would like to hear about it?"
And, if any of you try this out I'd love to hear how it works, or doesn't work, for you.
I'd also like to hear if you disagree with this approach and want to say why.
So, I just got back from this conference for School Counselors, right? One of the many useful workshops I went to was on how to help victims of bullying: http://www.bullies2buddies.com/.
I appreciated that Izzy (the creator of the program) points out that we ALL can be bullies sometimes whether we want to admit it or not. And, just because we're adults now doesn't mean we are no longer victims and bullies.
He goes through different scenarios, showing how when we react strongly to being hurt by what a bully does or says, we end up looking like the jerk. When we are calm and even solicitous with the bully, we diffuse the situation and look a lot better ourselves.
I asked him what we should have the kids do who don't really believe in the things that we're asking them to say. He said, "Fake it 'til you make it."
Just to give you an example of what this would look like, let's say Joe is being bullied by Samantha. Samantha: "You are such an idiot, Joe." Joe: "I know, sometimes I really can be an idiot. Thanks for trying to help me get better. Is there anything else that you would like to let me know? I'd like to hear what you have to say."
Originally, I was thinking about how to help my students use these techniques. Then, I had a couple of situations come up recently in my own life where I was able to employ them myself. At first, I did what I tend to do-took things personally and got really upset and offended. Then, I realized that I was not making the situation any better. I thought, "well, I feel bullied right now, why don't I just experiment with using Izzy's techniques?"
With the way I used to do things, I would try to be right and I would try to convince the other person they were wrong. I would sometimes be manipulative, or at the very least try to send them on a guilt trip. I felt and acted like a victim. As Izzy points out, it's not bullies who end up being suicidal or homicidal, it's the victims who end up shooting people up.
With Izzy's way, I felt like a good person, the best of me was shining through so that it didn't matter anymore who was right or wrong.
I feel so free now, not caring so much what response I get back from people because I see more clearly than ever how that's not in my control. Before, I would try to control their responses by painstakingly explaining my point of view and expecting them to respond with total understanding and compassion. How could I expect of them what I was not doing myself?
I discovered from this:
1. Even if I didn't fully mean it, just by saying the words I changed my perspective. I was able to see that from the other person's perspective, this is reality. Of course, that doesn't mean that it has to be my reality, but still, what a wonderful way to show compassion to another human being.
2. It really takes away the conflict when I can just admit to being a jerk. After all, who isn't a jerk sometimes? It actually helped me take myself less seriously and show a little more compassion for me when I was able to just admit that I messed up.
3. Even if I have great intentions, am a good person and mean well, as Izzy points out, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." To me, this is another way of showing that even if I know myself to be a decent, good person, that's not always enough. If another person was hurt by something I said or did, that is all I need to know. I can apologize, take my lumps, and not have to justify anything. By the same token, I also don't have to beat myself up for it. It's just a part of being human to sometimes hurt other people. It's a part of people to sometimes be hurt by each other. There's no way to avoid this, so I may as well accept it with compassion-for me and for them, deal with it as skillfully as possible, and let it go.
4. I can still hold onto and speak my truth. Just because I can enter into another person's world, see how they feel, and respond accordingly doesn't mean I have to ignore my own world. Sometimes, with the right people and in the right situations, I can even let people into that world-I can express to them how things they've said or done have hurt me. And, when I do this skillfully and with wisdom (knowing when, how, and who to do this with), I can actually reap the results I want-compassion, love, and understanding.
5. For a lot of other occassions, it is best to speak my truth in other ways and not directly to the person. It's good to start with myself. Often, t is enough for me to know my truth and have clarity within. Sometimes, when I try to explain it to another person who is not willing or ready to hear it, it just causes more conflict.
So, don't be surprised if you hear me say something like, "You're right. I really can be a jerk sometimes. Thanks for helping me out. Is there anything else you want to tell me, because I would like to hear about it?"
And, if any of you try this out I'd love to hear how it works, or doesn't work, for you.
I'd also like to hear if you disagree with this approach and want to say why.
Habitat for Humanity Build
Last Wednesday (June 24), I went out to Lakewood where Habitat for Humanity is building a home for a family and helped them paint the outside of the house.
I was a little surprised to find that I was the only woman there. Apparently, they have builds that are just for women, but this one was all dudes...and me.
There was something really nice about doing some good hard manual labor for somebody else who needed it. It was nice to get to know the guys in a casual way. Nobody tried to hit on me.
When we got done, we had something to show for it-a newly painted home for a family that needs it. They're an immigrant family from Russia.
The one thing that I'd like to see different is to be able to do a job that I haven't done before. Painting is one of the few construction type jobs that I've already had experience with. It was good for a first-time deal, but I want to learn how to hang dry-wall and stuff like that.
Perhaps I will try the women's build and see how that compares.
Still, what an amazing organization-helping to get rid of homelessness by building people homes. It was started by a very young and wealthy couple who just felt like they needed to do something more with all their money. Imagine if more of us felt that way. But, I guess the people I know would not be in the "have tons of money" category.
I think, though, that we are wealthier than we give ourselves credit for. Maybe not in greenbacks, but certainly in compassion.
I was a little surprised to find that I was the only woman there. Apparently, they have builds that are just for women, but this one was all dudes...and me.
There was something really nice about doing some good hard manual labor for somebody else who needed it. It was nice to get to know the guys in a casual way. Nobody tried to hit on me.
When we got done, we had something to show for it-a newly painted home for a family that needs it. They're an immigrant family from Russia.
The one thing that I'd like to see different is to be able to do a job that I haven't done before. Painting is one of the few construction type jobs that I've already had experience with. It was good for a first-time deal, but I want to learn how to hang dry-wall and stuff like that.
Perhaps I will try the women's build and see how that compares.
Still, what an amazing organization-helping to get rid of homelessness by building people homes. It was started by a very young and wealthy couple who just felt like they needed to do something more with all their money. Imagine if more of us felt that way. But, I guess the people I know would not be in the "have tons of money" category.
I think, though, that we are wealthier than we give ourselves credit for. Maybe not in greenbacks, but certainly in compassion.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Dallas Daze
It's almost 11:00 PM here, and it's been quite a ride in Dallas, Texas over the past five days.
I came here for a national conference for School Counselors-my chosen profession.
If you've ever been to a conference, you know what they're about more or less. You go, hear a keynote speaker, go to break-out session on topics that interest you (all related to the bigger theme of the conference, in this case School Counseling). They feed you buckets of food, the air conditioning is on full-blast so that even in 100+ degree whether you need a jacket, and then they fill your afternoon and evening with social events and raffles and oh, don't forget the exhibit hall where you will find booth after booth of vendor's materials for sale.
This was the same as any other convention that you would go to for your job. I enjoyed it and learned a lot but won't bore you with the details.
Some of you asked about Dallas and how the trip has been overall. Well, I got here a day early and was travelling to Whole Foods (to get my own food so I wouldn't be tempted to eat the mountains of fried chicken that was served at the convention). On the way, I young man tried to ask me out. He was about the age of the 8th graders that I serve as a School Counselor for. I knew this no matter how hard he tried to convince me that he was 21 years old.
While walking to get dinner, we came across a group of children performing on the street (singing a Michael Jackson song). On another night, we got to watch a very talented 9-year-old dance to "Billy Jean". He was stunning. I wonder if it is part of the Dallas culture to have children perform on the streets?
The convention center where most of the daily events took place was a five minute walk from the hotel where everyone stayed, but they had about three or four Greyhound buses that shuttled people back and forth all day long. I wondered how much gas they burned doing that.
I met a lot of people, including counselors from all over the world. (Korea, the Virgin Islands, Indonesia). I met a very nice man from Oregon. He was a little closer to my age so I was cool with him asking me out. No saucy counselor romance to speak of though, sorry. Just a very warm hug goodnight at the end of a lovely conversation and an invitation to email him in Oregon.
I went running this morning and checked out a little more of Dallas. It was difficult to really get a full picture of the place. Every street I ran down would have about a block of business offices and then maybe a condo unit and then industrial looking stuff. It seemed to be a hodge-podge of good and bad parts of town all wrapped into one. I think most everyone but the tourists drive everywhere they go. It didn't take long for me to run into the weave of highways criss-crossing the landscape. There was a lot of piss on the sidewalks and some human feces too.
I did get a sense when I attended a Weight Watcher's meeting on Monday that the women complain about their husbands frequently here. I don't know what that's about, but their accents were cute and I enjoyed listening to them talk.
Those are my not-so-insightful insights about the city, folks. It is a little more humid here, there is definitely a different culture here but it was a little tricky to fully discover what it was all about. Although I noticed pretty much everyone was married by the time they were out of college. I don't know if that has anything to do with the prolific spouse complaints or not.
Signing out for tonight, I say farewell to Dallas. I don't know when or if I'll see her again.
I look forward to getting back home.
I came here for a national conference for School Counselors-my chosen profession.
If you've ever been to a conference, you know what they're about more or less. You go, hear a keynote speaker, go to break-out session on topics that interest you (all related to the bigger theme of the conference, in this case School Counseling). They feed you buckets of food, the air conditioning is on full-blast so that even in 100+ degree whether you need a jacket, and then they fill your afternoon and evening with social events and raffles and oh, don't forget the exhibit hall where you will find booth after booth of vendor's materials for sale.
This was the same as any other convention that you would go to for your job. I enjoyed it and learned a lot but won't bore you with the details.
Some of you asked about Dallas and how the trip has been overall. Well, I got here a day early and was travelling to Whole Foods (to get my own food so I wouldn't be tempted to eat the mountains of fried chicken that was served at the convention). On the way, I young man tried to ask me out. He was about the age of the 8th graders that I serve as a School Counselor for. I knew this no matter how hard he tried to convince me that he was 21 years old.
While walking to get dinner, we came across a group of children performing on the street (singing a Michael Jackson song). On another night, we got to watch a very talented 9-year-old dance to "Billy Jean". He was stunning. I wonder if it is part of the Dallas culture to have children perform on the streets?
The convention center where most of the daily events took place was a five minute walk from the hotel where everyone stayed, but they had about three or four Greyhound buses that shuttled people back and forth all day long. I wondered how much gas they burned doing that.
I met a lot of people, including counselors from all over the world. (Korea, the Virgin Islands, Indonesia). I met a very nice man from Oregon. He was a little closer to my age so I was cool with him asking me out. No saucy counselor romance to speak of though, sorry. Just a very warm hug goodnight at the end of a lovely conversation and an invitation to email him in Oregon.
I went running this morning and checked out a little more of Dallas. It was difficult to really get a full picture of the place. Every street I ran down would have about a block of business offices and then maybe a condo unit and then industrial looking stuff. It seemed to be a hodge-podge of good and bad parts of town all wrapped into one. I think most everyone but the tourists drive everywhere they go. It didn't take long for me to run into the weave of highways criss-crossing the landscape. There was a lot of piss on the sidewalks and some human feces too.
I did get a sense when I attended a Weight Watcher's meeting on Monday that the women complain about their husbands frequently here. I don't know what that's about, but their accents were cute and I enjoyed listening to them talk.
Those are my not-so-insightful insights about the city, folks. It is a little more humid here, there is definitely a different culture here but it was a little tricky to fully discover what it was all about. Although I noticed pretty much everyone was married by the time they were out of college. I don't know if that has anything to do with the prolific spouse complaints or not.
Signing out for tonight, I say farewell to Dallas. I don't know when or if I'll see her again.
I look forward to getting back home.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Gifts from a Train
May 29, 2009
This will probably be my last posting for this month. Wow! It went by fast!! So, today I was riding the train home from my parents' house in Castle Rock. A man came and sat next to me even though there were other spots open. He didn't say anything at first, but after a while, he commented that he wants to get a Sudoku puzzle book like the one I had. He said the kids on the train drive him crazy. Funny, I was just thinking about those kids myself. I was reminiscing about the days I was in my twenties and flirted with other kids my age out on the streets of Denver. It was not that long ago, but it feels like forever. I was thinking how much older I feel now and how I couldn't really picture myself doing that today.
This guy obviously needed to talk. I was reluctant at first because I didn't know what his intentions were, but it turns out he's just here from Juarez, Mexico. He moved back here to be around for his 6-month old daughter. He and the mom are not together anymore. His only family in Mexico was his dad and uncle and they passed away, so he's all alone. He said he doesn't want any friends right now because the other guys at the restaurant where he works drink too much and he doesn't want to get into that.
He works as a cook at a fancy restaurant in Littleton. Then, he travels for hours to and from work and his home in Aurora. He sees his daughter, he goes to bed, he gets up and goes to work and repeats the process over and over again. That is his life. He is totally dedicated 100% to his little girl. He said she has to know how much he loves her.
He even told me about how he thinks the mom purposely got pregnant even though he told her they should wait until they were more financially secure. Why do people do that?!?
Well, Tony, my new friend, I wish you luck in your life. On behalf of little girls everywhere, thanks for being a stand-up guy for your kid.
This will probably be my last posting for this month. Wow! It went by fast!! So, today I was riding the train home from my parents' house in Castle Rock. A man came and sat next to me even though there were other spots open. He didn't say anything at first, but after a while, he commented that he wants to get a Sudoku puzzle book like the one I had. He said the kids on the train drive him crazy. Funny, I was just thinking about those kids myself. I was reminiscing about the days I was in my twenties and flirted with other kids my age out on the streets of Denver. It was not that long ago, but it feels like forever. I was thinking how much older I feel now and how I couldn't really picture myself doing that today.
This guy obviously needed to talk. I was reluctant at first because I didn't know what his intentions were, but it turns out he's just here from Juarez, Mexico. He moved back here to be around for his 6-month old daughter. He and the mom are not together anymore. His only family in Mexico was his dad and uncle and they passed away, so he's all alone. He said he doesn't want any friends right now because the other guys at the restaurant where he works drink too much and he doesn't want to get into that.
He works as a cook at a fancy restaurant in Littleton. Then, he travels for hours to and from work and his home in Aurora. He sees his daughter, he goes to bed, he gets up and goes to work and repeats the process over and over again. That is his life. He is totally dedicated 100% to his little girl. He said she has to know how much he loves her.
He even told me about how he thinks the mom purposely got pregnant even though he told her they should wait until they were more financially secure. Why do people do that?!?
Well, Tony, my new friend, I wish you luck in your life. On behalf of little girls everywhere, thanks for being a stand-up guy for your kid.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Eating the Shadow
May 19, 2009
There is this notion that within each of us lay hidden things that fill us with shadows. These are the parts of ourselves that don’t come out in the light of day. They are still there, very present and active but often not a part of our conscious understanding of who we are.
For me, I know that one of my “shadow pieces” is the feeling of anger. Ever since I was a small child, I was told not to get upset or angry. Over time, I learned to push the angry feelings down deeper and not let them explode out of me.
I learned to share my toys, to not be greedy, to be a “nice girl”. This is how I ensured that I would be accepted and loved. It is still the way I tend to operate today.
The “me” that is already in the spotlight is the nice girl, but standing in the dark are all those other traits that I was born with and that we all have as human beings: anger, rage, greed, ignorance, insensitivity, destructiveness.
As I try to push these shadows away or run from them, my feelings of fear grow. I am afraid that all of these “bad things” are going to pop out of their seams, spill out everywhere, and nobody will ever love me again.
You know that movie, “Castaway” with Tom Hanks? It represents to me the very worst thing that could possibly ever happen-to be isolated from everyone else for the rest of my life. Nothing could be worse.
But, I am human. All those “bad things” that I tend to be embarrassed about, we all have in us. Admitting that they are there isn’t going to make everyone shun me. Telling the truth will invite more wisdom and compassion into my life and some people find it refreshing.
It is very painful to look at our shadows because in doing so, we have to face our strongest fears. But, the things in the shadows are sacred. It is my giant inner judge who points to this-or-that and calls it good, bad, or ugly. My judge very often if not always acts out of ego and not from wisdom. Wisdom is much more compassionate than my judge tends to be.
I haven’t quite gotten there yet, but I hope to learn to love my shadow pieces. I would like to get to a point where I can eat the shadows and take in their nourishment. They are like mushrooms-you could walk right over them for years and not know it, but then once you find them, they are unlike anything else and can be so delicious.
Whether we “eat” our shadow parts or not, they are still there. Watch how you react to certain behaviors in other people. Those things that really get your goat or totally floor you with admiration are the very things that lay hidden inside of you. See the ways you project your own shadow thoughts and feelings onto others. Embracing our shadows is embracing truth, and the truth shall set you free.
"The courage with which we bare our own shadow prevents others from needing to carry it for us."
-John Tarrant, as quoted by Donald Rothberg.
http://www.dharmaseed.org/talks/wimpy/wimpy_popup.html?theFile=http://dharmaseed.org/talks/wimpy/6299.xml
There is this notion that within each of us lay hidden things that fill us with shadows. These are the parts of ourselves that don’t come out in the light of day. They are still there, very present and active but often not a part of our conscious understanding of who we are.
For me, I know that one of my “shadow pieces” is the feeling of anger. Ever since I was a small child, I was told not to get upset or angry. Over time, I learned to push the angry feelings down deeper and not let them explode out of me.
I learned to share my toys, to not be greedy, to be a “nice girl”. This is how I ensured that I would be accepted and loved. It is still the way I tend to operate today.
The “me” that is already in the spotlight is the nice girl, but standing in the dark are all those other traits that I was born with and that we all have as human beings: anger, rage, greed, ignorance, insensitivity, destructiveness.
As I try to push these shadows away or run from them, my feelings of fear grow. I am afraid that all of these “bad things” are going to pop out of their seams, spill out everywhere, and nobody will ever love me again.
You know that movie, “Castaway” with Tom Hanks? It represents to me the very worst thing that could possibly ever happen-to be isolated from everyone else for the rest of my life. Nothing could be worse.
But, I am human. All those “bad things” that I tend to be embarrassed about, we all have in us. Admitting that they are there isn’t going to make everyone shun me. Telling the truth will invite more wisdom and compassion into my life and some people find it refreshing.
It is very painful to look at our shadows because in doing so, we have to face our strongest fears. But, the things in the shadows are sacred. It is my giant inner judge who points to this-or-that and calls it good, bad, or ugly. My judge very often if not always acts out of ego and not from wisdom. Wisdom is much more compassionate than my judge tends to be.
I haven’t quite gotten there yet, but I hope to learn to love my shadow pieces. I would like to get to a point where I can eat the shadows and take in their nourishment. They are like mushrooms-you could walk right over them for years and not know it, but then once you find them, they are unlike anything else and can be so delicious.
Whether we “eat” our shadow parts or not, they are still there. Watch how you react to certain behaviors in other people. Those things that really get your goat or totally floor you with admiration are the very things that lay hidden inside of you. See the ways you project your own shadow thoughts and feelings onto others. Embracing our shadows is embracing truth, and the truth shall set you free.
"The courage with which we bare our own shadow prevents others from needing to carry it for us."
-John Tarrant, as quoted by Donald Rothberg.
http://www.dharmaseed.org/talks/wimpy/wimpy_popup.html?theFile=http://dharmaseed.org/talks/wimpy/6299.xml
Saturday, May 16, 2009
How to Be a Spiritual Warrior
5/16/09
I just wanted to share this from Rumi's "Say I am You":
Gamble everything for love....
Half-heartedness doesn't reach into majesty.
You set out to find God,
but then you keep stopping for long periods
at mean-spirited roadhouses.
Don't wait any longer.
Dive in the ocean,
leave and let the sea be you....
As Kasl says in If the Buddha Dated, "Surrender actually makes us feel safe, because there is nothing left to hide."
But, getting to that point where we can surrender, sit with the edges that come up in our lives and not run away, that's not always so easy.
The sea is beautiful, but it is scary and can be very dark and intimidating. These feelings of fear are the edges we too easily try to avoid.
Here's a little prayer I made up when I was walking someplace yesterday:
The edges I experience are sacred. They are a part of the Infinite Whole. When I come to an edge in my life, I sit with it and wait for wisdom to join me. Then, I give thanks and continue on my journey.
I am hoping I can say this enough times that it comes true for me more often than not. For now, I am going to go eat a mango and rest and enjoy what is left of Today.
"
I just wanted to share this from Rumi's "Say I am You":
Gamble everything for love....
Half-heartedness doesn't reach into majesty.
You set out to find God,
but then you keep stopping for long periods
at mean-spirited roadhouses.
Don't wait any longer.
Dive in the ocean,
leave and let the sea be you....
As Kasl says in If the Buddha Dated, "Surrender actually makes us feel safe, because there is nothing left to hide."
But, getting to that point where we can surrender, sit with the edges that come up in our lives and not run away, that's not always so easy.
The sea is beautiful, but it is scary and can be very dark and intimidating. These feelings of fear are the edges we too easily try to avoid.
Here's a little prayer I made up when I was walking someplace yesterday:
The edges I experience are sacred. They are a part of the Infinite Whole. When I come to an edge in my life, I sit with it and wait for wisdom to join me. Then, I give thanks and continue on my journey.
I am hoping I can say this enough times that it comes true for me more often than not. For now, I am going to go eat a mango and rest and enjoy what is left of Today.
"
Friday, May 15, 2009
Goal!
5/15/09
Recently, I read a blog that talks about goal setting. It mentions creating a "bucket list" which I recently discovered is a list of all the things you want to do before you "kick the bucket". Whenever I hear about setting goals, I get a little knot in my stomach. Why is that?
I use goal setting techniques with the children I counsel (and the adults I worked with before). I even have it listed as one of the "questions of faith" posted in my blog! When I worked with pregnant moms, goal setting was a huge part of the job and I thought it was a wonderful way to empower the women to do for themselves and to take control over their own lives.
And yet, there is another part of me that wonders what this goal setting is really all about.
What is it supposed to be? It seems so linear, which doesn't work for my feminine tendacy to look at things as spirals or circles rather than straight lines. It seems so American. What do other cultures think of it?
Will we be very bitterly disappointed if all the things on our "bucket list" don't come to pass? What if we get sick in a way that precludes us from completing our goals? What if our goals are not realistic? Then, they would represent just another reason to feel disappointed or sorry for ourselves.
In a certain way, my "bucket list" consists of just one thing: to live each moment as aware and alive as possible-to appreciate all of the abundance, the myriad changes, the mystery that is.
By being open to possibilities, my life has already taken me on many journeys that I never would have dreamed of. They are better than that-they are life's essence rather than my ego steering me haphazardly toward whatever it thinks it should.
I think it is important to have values and right intentions, and to have a healthy curiosity as well as courage to walk whatever path presents itself to you. I also believe that we ultimately are nothing more than the choices we make.
And yet, life is a dance. It is our choices and life's happenings interacting with one another. This is where the circles and the grace joins the hopes and the goals in an ever constant act of balance.
Recently, I read a blog that talks about goal setting. It mentions creating a "bucket list" which I recently discovered is a list of all the things you want to do before you "kick the bucket". Whenever I hear about setting goals, I get a little knot in my stomach. Why is that?
I use goal setting techniques with the children I counsel (and the adults I worked with before). I even have it listed as one of the "questions of faith" posted in my blog! When I worked with pregnant moms, goal setting was a huge part of the job and I thought it was a wonderful way to empower the women to do for themselves and to take control over their own lives.
And yet, there is another part of me that wonders what this goal setting is really all about.
What is it supposed to be? It seems so linear, which doesn't work for my feminine tendacy to look at things as spirals or circles rather than straight lines. It seems so American. What do other cultures think of it?
Will we be very bitterly disappointed if all the things on our "bucket list" don't come to pass? What if we get sick in a way that precludes us from completing our goals? What if our goals are not realistic? Then, they would represent just another reason to feel disappointed or sorry for ourselves.
In a certain way, my "bucket list" consists of just one thing: to live each moment as aware and alive as possible-to appreciate all of the abundance, the myriad changes, the mystery that is.
By being open to possibilities, my life has already taken me on many journeys that I never would have dreamed of. They are better than that-they are life's essence rather than my ego steering me haphazardly toward whatever it thinks it should.
I think it is important to have values and right intentions, and to have a healthy curiosity as well as courage to walk whatever path presents itself to you. I also believe that we ultimately are nothing more than the choices we make.
And yet, life is a dance. It is our choices and life's happenings interacting with one another. This is where the circles and the grace joins the hopes and the goals in an ever constant act of balance.
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Everything is Holy
May 12, 2009
Tonight, I went to the first of five classes that my minister is putting on. As a Unitarian Universalist, I have the option to choose pretty much any path I want and it will be respected by my church community. That's what I love about it. Of course, we believe in treating people with respect and dignity and a lot of other common things too. But, within reason, the sky is the limit. And yet, there are certain ways that having such freedom can make us feel that much more lost.
Where do we go when we want to go home if we don't know what home is? Once we figure out where, then the next question is how do we get there?
I love my minister. He is smart and heartfelt and makes a lot of sense to me. He says that the world puts a lot of pressure on every one of us to be fantastically superficial all of the time. It is good to have a place where you can go deeper and be more real with yourself and with each other. That is what coming home is all about as far as I'm concerned.
He has this great analogy, taken from Jonathan Haidt's book, The Happiness Hypothesis: we have evolved from forest creatures and so a large portion of our brains are made up in the same way that other forest creature's brains are. They are very emotional. They are sensitive to things in their environment and they choose quickly whether to fight or fly away.
We have a very small and relatively new part of our brain in the front that allows us to have a sense of ourselves. That's where a lot of our distinctly human characteristics come from. We could look at the big part of our brain as being like an elephant and the little part in front as a rider or elephant trainer. If the elephant decides it wants to run away or fight, the rider goes with it. But, if we can learn to be good elephant trainers, we can have a lot more peace in our lives rather than being at the mercy of the elephant.
The three main methods my minister suggested we try were meditation, affirmations, and prayer. I won't go into the details about what these all entail. But, as Charlotte Kasl says in If the Buddha Dated, "Whatever practices you utilize, ultimately it is your dedication that will make a difference. You can intone a chant or prayer absentmindedly, dissociate when you meditate, or spout teachings to impress people. Or you can meet each moment of your life with awareness and compassion."
I will leave you with these questions to ponder, taken from my minister's class, which were taken from James A. Fowler:
1. What are you spending and being spent for?
2. What commands and receives your best time, your best energy?
3. What causes, dreams, goals, and institutions are you pouring out your life for?
4. As you live your life, what powers do you fear or dread?
5. As you live your life, what powers do you rely on and trust?
6. To what are you committed in life or in death?
7. With whom do you share your most sacred and private hopes and fears?
8. What are your hopes, goals, and purposes in life?
Tonight, I went to the first of five classes that my minister is putting on. As a Unitarian Universalist, I have the option to choose pretty much any path I want and it will be respected by my church community. That's what I love about it. Of course, we believe in treating people with respect and dignity and a lot of other common things too. But, within reason, the sky is the limit. And yet, there are certain ways that having such freedom can make us feel that much more lost.
Where do we go when we want to go home if we don't know what home is? Once we figure out where, then the next question is how do we get there?
I love my minister. He is smart and heartfelt and makes a lot of sense to me. He says that the world puts a lot of pressure on every one of us to be fantastically superficial all of the time. It is good to have a place where you can go deeper and be more real with yourself and with each other. That is what coming home is all about as far as I'm concerned.
He has this great analogy, taken from Jonathan Haidt's book, The Happiness Hypothesis: we have evolved from forest creatures and so a large portion of our brains are made up in the same way that other forest creature's brains are. They are very emotional. They are sensitive to things in their environment and they choose quickly whether to fight or fly away.
We have a very small and relatively new part of our brain in the front that allows us to have a sense of ourselves. That's where a lot of our distinctly human characteristics come from. We could look at the big part of our brain as being like an elephant and the little part in front as a rider or elephant trainer. If the elephant decides it wants to run away or fight, the rider goes with it. But, if we can learn to be good elephant trainers, we can have a lot more peace in our lives rather than being at the mercy of the elephant.
The three main methods my minister suggested we try were meditation, affirmations, and prayer. I won't go into the details about what these all entail. But, as Charlotte Kasl says in If the Buddha Dated, "Whatever practices you utilize, ultimately it is your dedication that will make a difference. You can intone a chant or prayer absentmindedly, dissociate when you meditate, or spout teachings to impress people. Or you can meet each moment of your life with awareness and compassion."
I will leave you with these questions to ponder, taken from my minister's class, which were taken from James A. Fowler:
1. What are you spending and being spent for?
2. What commands and receives your best time, your best energy?
3. What causes, dreams, goals, and institutions are you pouring out your life for?
4. As you live your life, what powers do you fear or dread?
5. As you live your life, what powers do you rely on and trust?
6. To what are you committed in life or in death?
7. With whom do you share your most sacred and private hopes and fears?
8. What are your hopes, goals, and purposes in life?
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Mohammed
5/10/09
First of all, today was a lovely Mother's Day. I had the chance to host a brunch for my mom and the rest of our family. It was something that I knew would be special to mom, and so it was just fabulous that I finally had a big enough place to accomodate everyone.
Later in the day, I went to the Max Fund to help walk some dogs with my friend who volunteers there. I took out one dog who seemed pretty chill in the cage-just sitting there. When we went out, he kept lunging and was pretty out of control. I was told by another volunteer that he needed to wear a choke chain because sometimes the regular collars come off. I felt bad, though, because he kept choking himself on the leash. I put him back inside, but by this time all of the staff and volunteers had gone home (except for my friend who was outside).
I took the choke chain off the dog (named "Mohammed") and instead of going in his cage, he ran over to a dog in a cage a few rows back. I don't know what his problem with this dog is, but he was ready to fight-white foamy drool was coming out of his mouth, and he had that viscious face of a dog on the attack.
As Cesar Millan of The Dog Whisperer would put it, he was in the "red zone". Nobody was around to help me, and all of the dogs were going crazy by this point-imagine about twenty dogs all barking their heads off at the same time. I didn't want to get bit, but I equally did not want to get caught in this pickle.
I pushed the dog away from the other dog's cage (with a little fear, I will admit). When he was not right by the other guy's cage, he was calmer and I was able to get the choke chain back on him. We put him back in the cage, I made sure the other dogs were OK, and I waited for Mohammed to chill out again. Oops! I guess there is really a reason why you can't just go around the Max Fund without a volunteer or staff person around.
My heart hasn't beat that fast in a long, long time!
First of all, today was a lovely Mother's Day. I had the chance to host a brunch for my mom and the rest of our family. It was something that I knew would be special to mom, and so it was just fabulous that I finally had a big enough place to accomodate everyone.
Later in the day, I went to the Max Fund to help walk some dogs with my friend who volunteers there. I took out one dog who seemed pretty chill in the cage-just sitting there. When we went out, he kept lunging and was pretty out of control. I was told by another volunteer that he needed to wear a choke chain because sometimes the regular collars come off. I felt bad, though, because he kept choking himself on the leash. I put him back inside, but by this time all of the staff and volunteers had gone home (except for my friend who was outside).
I took the choke chain off the dog (named "Mohammed") and instead of going in his cage, he ran over to a dog in a cage a few rows back. I don't know what his problem with this dog is, but he was ready to fight-white foamy drool was coming out of his mouth, and he had that viscious face of a dog on the attack.
As Cesar Millan of The Dog Whisperer would put it, he was in the "red zone". Nobody was around to help me, and all of the dogs were going crazy by this point-imagine about twenty dogs all barking their heads off at the same time. I didn't want to get bit, but I equally did not want to get caught in this pickle.
I pushed the dog away from the other dog's cage (with a little fear, I will admit). When he was not right by the other guy's cage, he was calmer and I was able to get the choke chain back on him. We put him back in the cage, I made sure the other dogs were OK, and I waited for Mohammed to chill out again. Oops! I guess there is really a reason why you can't just go around the Max Fund without a volunteer or staff person around.
My heart hasn't beat that fast in a long, long time!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Girl Climb!
May 8, 2009
Today, I get up extra early on my day off, catch a bus to Boulder, and meet a girl who knows how to lead climbs. In other words, she knows where there are some really cool rocks that we can climb, and she has the gear, skill, and knowledge to get us safely up and down the climbs.
As soon as I get in her car, she starts speaking lingo that I am unfamiliar with. Climbers, like any subculture, have their own language.
She asks what my goals are with climbing. I tell her, for now, I want to get stronger in general. I also want to learn to use my legs more.
I ask her how long she's been climbing. Five years, she says. She started out deathly afraid of heights-scared even to stand on a second story balcony. She wanted to get over that, so every day for three weeks, she went to the climbing gym near her house and tried the same route over and over again until she got to the top of it.
She tried a couple of outdoor climbs that summer, and then eventually got to a point where she was ready to try harder and harder stuff. She also got to a point where she was ready to be a lead climber. She thought she would never do lead climbs outside, but she did. She thought she would only do sport lead climbs but we are doing trad climbing today, so she obviously got over that as well.
By the way, sport climbing means there are bolts already in the rock and you climb to them, attach your rope to them, and continue climbing from bolt to bolt until you reach the top. Trad, short for traditional, climbing means you have to have special gear to stick in the rock-wherever you want (as long as it's safe). This gives a person a lot more options, but with freedom comes responsibility.
This gal is nothing if not responsible. She is my age and already the mother of four children. She shows me how she puts the gear in and why. She lets me "clean her gear" which means I climb after she's set the route and take back all her hardware that was stuck in the rock. This is a good new challenge for me because I have to be sure I'm steady enough to have a hand free for pulling things out and clipping them to my harness.
She shows me the basics to setting an anchor-to have more than one point, all less than 90 degree angles, all attached to different things, all coming together in one knot so they take pressure off one another, all going in the right direction. This is good for me to know so that whenever I go out with someone, I can feel safer and know if they are being safe.
Rock climbing can be a little scary, but it is so much fun once you see that you can do things to prevent falls. I love climbing, especially outside, where you are connected to the rock. You have to listen to the ancient stones and be strong and patient like they are. You always have a new challenge, both mentally and physically.
The part that got me hooked in the first place was the very first time I lay back and was lowered down off the rock. Wow! There are so many times in life when I know I am clinging to the edge of something shaking in fear. Sometimes, I remember that I am connected to the source (in this case, a strong anchor, in other cases, something more cosmic) and I am safe. Then, I can lay back, watch where I am going, but let go and bounce through the air. It's totally awesome.
Today, my girl climbing partner teaches me how to repel my own self down. That's a little scary because now the safe source that I am relying on is mySELF! As she put it, "you are going to put my life in my own hands? What were you thinking?!?" I do it and I make it, but I am scared. This is the next step in my journey-learning to trust myself a little more.
Climbing is awesome, but climbing with a fellow woman who can teach me stuff is the most wonderful thing ever. She knows how to get around the barriers that we have, being shorter and not as strong as most of the guys who climb. She tells me some tricks, but most importantly, she understands. It is really lovely.
I thank the rock and the girl climber for lessons learned today.
Today, I get up extra early on my day off, catch a bus to Boulder, and meet a girl who knows how to lead climbs. In other words, she knows where there are some really cool rocks that we can climb, and she has the gear, skill, and knowledge to get us safely up and down the climbs.
As soon as I get in her car, she starts speaking lingo that I am unfamiliar with. Climbers, like any subculture, have their own language.
She asks what my goals are with climbing. I tell her, for now, I want to get stronger in general. I also want to learn to use my legs more.
I ask her how long she's been climbing. Five years, she says. She started out deathly afraid of heights-scared even to stand on a second story balcony. She wanted to get over that, so every day for three weeks, she went to the climbing gym near her house and tried the same route over and over again until she got to the top of it.
She tried a couple of outdoor climbs that summer, and then eventually got to a point where she was ready to try harder and harder stuff. She also got to a point where she was ready to be a lead climber. She thought she would never do lead climbs outside, but she did. She thought she would only do sport lead climbs but we are doing trad climbing today, so she obviously got over that as well.
By the way, sport climbing means there are bolts already in the rock and you climb to them, attach your rope to them, and continue climbing from bolt to bolt until you reach the top. Trad, short for traditional, climbing means you have to have special gear to stick in the rock-wherever you want (as long as it's safe). This gives a person a lot more options, but with freedom comes responsibility.
This gal is nothing if not responsible. She is my age and already the mother of four children. She shows me how she puts the gear in and why. She lets me "clean her gear" which means I climb after she's set the route and take back all her hardware that was stuck in the rock. This is a good new challenge for me because I have to be sure I'm steady enough to have a hand free for pulling things out and clipping them to my harness.
She shows me the basics to setting an anchor-to have more than one point, all less than 90 degree angles, all attached to different things, all coming together in one knot so they take pressure off one another, all going in the right direction. This is good for me to know so that whenever I go out with someone, I can feel safer and know if they are being safe.
Rock climbing can be a little scary, but it is so much fun once you see that you can do things to prevent falls. I love climbing, especially outside, where you are connected to the rock. You have to listen to the ancient stones and be strong and patient like they are. You always have a new challenge, both mentally and physically.
The part that got me hooked in the first place was the very first time I lay back and was lowered down off the rock. Wow! There are so many times in life when I know I am clinging to the edge of something shaking in fear. Sometimes, I remember that I am connected to the source (in this case, a strong anchor, in other cases, something more cosmic) and I am safe. Then, I can lay back, watch where I am going, but let go and bounce through the air. It's totally awesome.
Today, my girl climbing partner teaches me how to repel my own self down. That's a little scary because now the safe source that I am relying on is mySELF! As she put it, "you are going to put my life in my own hands? What were you thinking?!?" I do it and I make it, but I am scared. This is the next step in my journey-learning to trust myself a little more.
Climbing is awesome, but climbing with a fellow woman who can teach me stuff is the most wonderful thing ever. She knows how to get around the barriers that we have, being shorter and not as strong as most of the guys who climb. She tells me some tricks, but most importantly, she understands. It is really lovely.
I thank the rock and the girl climber for lessons learned today.
Saturday, May 2, 2009
If the Buddha Dated
May 2, 2009
I am not very interested in dating at the moment, but I am on a Buddha kick these days, so when a friend of mine loans me a book by Charlotte Kasl called “If the Buddha Dated”, I give it a try.
I have only just begun to read it, but already feel much more enlightened. She says that we make ourselves miserable when we hold onto very particular expectations about how things-in this case, people we are dating-need to be. Life never goes exactly how we want it to. She encourages us to accept and love what is rather than fret about what doesn’t turn out just the way we want it to.
She talks about enjoying a moment with someone you are dating in the same way that you would enjoy a sunset. Know that it will not stay this way forever. Count on change, but live this moment fully. Know that whatever happens next will be different and fine no matter what.
She says it is important not to let the ground get too firm under our feet. It is our ego that clings to routine, certainty, having life be reduced to a collection of knowable parts. The thing that is bothersome about the ego and its wants is that life doesn’t work the way the ego needs it to. The more we give in to the sway of our ego, the more disappointed we set ourselves up to be.
I know I still have a long way to go on this journey, especially in the dating world. I have found myself in a cycle of excitement, expectation, and then disappointment again and again.
It’s been fun telling myself that the disappointment comes only from the guys I dated being schmucks, but in reality it comes from me. The sooner I know and except this, the sooner I can do something different and get something more satisfying in return.
The trick for me is remembering these pearls of wisdom in the heat of the moment. So many times, old habits have an easy way of totally taking over where wisdom used to be.
Just to be clear, I am not trying to beat myself up here. The guys I chose to date were in some cases totally schmucks. But, I still need to take responsibility for my share. It is tricky to get the balance right between self-deprecation and finger-pointing.
Actually, I think what Ms. Kasl’s talking about isn’t even on the same continuum. There is no blame in the Buddha world. All that is just is. Our ego is the part that wants to judge and put more meaning to the chaos of life. When we step out of our bubbles, we let go of the judgments and see life more honestly.
The first step is awareness. In this moment, I am here.
I am not very interested in dating at the moment, but I am on a Buddha kick these days, so when a friend of mine loans me a book by Charlotte Kasl called “If the Buddha Dated”, I give it a try.
I have only just begun to read it, but already feel much more enlightened. She says that we make ourselves miserable when we hold onto very particular expectations about how things-in this case, people we are dating-need to be. Life never goes exactly how we want it to. She encourages us to accept and love what is rather than fret about what doesn’t turn out just the way we want it to.
She talks about enjoying a moment with someone you are dating in the same way that you would enjoy a sunset. Know that it will not stay this way forever. Count on change, but live this moment fully. Know that whatever happens next will be different and fine no matter what.
She says it is important not to let the ground get too firm under our feet. It is our ego that clings to routine, certainty, having life be reduced to a collection of knowable parts. The thing that is bothersome about the ego and its wants is that life doesn’t work the way the ego needs it to. The more we give in to the sway of our ego, the more disappointed we set ourselves up to be.
I know I still have a long way to go on this journey, especially in the dating world. I have found myself in a cycle of excitement, expectation, and then disappointment again and again.
It’s been fun telling myself that the disappointment comes only from the guys I dated being schmucks, but in reality it comes from me. The sooner I know and except this, the sooner I can do something different and get something more satisfying in return.
The trick for me is remembering these pearls of wisdom in the heat of the moment. So many times, old habits have an easy way of totally taking over where wisdom used to be.
Just to be clear, I am not trying to beat myself up here. The guys I chose to date were in some cases totally schmucks. But, I still need to take responsibility for my share. It is tricky to get the balance right between self-deprecation and finger-pointing.
Actually, I think what Ms. Kasl’s talking about isn’t even on the same continuum. There is no blame in the Buddha world. All that is just is. Our ego is the part that wants to judge and put more meaning to the chaos of life. When we step out of our bubbles, we let go of the judgments and see life more honestly.
The first step is awareness. In this moment, I am here.
May Day!
May 1, 2009
Today is our first day in the “new” house. The house is actually many decades old, perhaps a century or more, but it’s new to my roommate Rachel and me. The owners are leaving for Vietnam in a few weeks, but in the meantime they are staying at a studio apartment in the house right next door to us.
Rachel and I are having a great time getting to know each other. I help her borrow a bed from my parents’ place. As we walk up to the house with the mattress, we smell gas.
We do some investigations but find no reason for the smell. We call the property management company’s “emergency” line. They say they’ll get back to us within 15 minutes. We never hear from them again.
The gas smell doesn’t dissipate, so we try calling the owners. Since they live right next door and this is our first day in their house, I want to avoid having them come home to discover a fire truck in front of their house. Nobody picks up. Rachel goes next door and rings their bell. She comes back to report that nobody is answering.
We decide to contact the fire department. They tell us to wait outside and someone will be over shortly. Rachel suggests we could meet a nice guy this way. I am wearing a pink terrycloth bathrobe. I wonder if the guys will think that’s hot.
We’re standing on the steps as the wail of fire engines screams down the city streets. “Is that for us?” I wonder. I hope that’s somebody else’s emergency and that they will be “chill” and keep it on the “down-low” for us. A few seconds later, three fire engines screech down our street, lights twirling toward us.
Several huge, handsome young men pop out. They have on their traditional hats, boots, jackets, flashlights, and axes. “What are they going to do with the axes?!?”
They go inside. I am glad Joe and Nancy (the owners) are not around to get the surprise of seeing a bunch of fire trucks and flashing lights outside their house.
Rachel thinks this will be a nice way to meet some neighbors. Here comes one right now. Charlie lives across the street.
From the other direction comes Nancy in her pajamas looking very worried. I tell her we smelled gas. She goes after the firemen. I am amazed at this one guy whose biceps are as big as a lady’s waist. He seems so nice too. I wish I wasn’t in my bathrobe.
Joe comes out and says “you guys are out of here!” He’s totally joking. He says he smells the gas too. The fire people do their fire thing and come out to say that they do not detect any levels of bad stuff at all. We thank them for their time.
Happy housewarming!
Today is our first day in the “new” house. The house is actually many decades old, perhaps a century or more, but it’s new to my roommate Rachel and me. The owners are leaving for Vietnam in a few weeks, but in the meantime they are staying at a studio apartment in the house right next door to us.
Rachel and I are having a great time getting to know each other. I help her borrow a bed from my parents’ place. As we walk up to the house with the mattress, we smell gas.
We do some investigations but find no reason for the smell. We call the property management company’s “emergency” line. They say they’ll get back to us within 15 minutes. We never hear from them again.
The gas smell doesn’t dissipate, so we try calling the owners. Since they live right next door and this is our first day in their house, I want to avoid having them come home to discover a fire truck in front of their house. Nobody picks up. Rachel goes next door and rings their bell. She comes back to report that nobody is answering.
We decide to contact the fire department. They tell us to wait outside and someone will be over shortly. Rachel suggests we could meet a nice guy this way. I am wearing a pink terrycloth bathrobe. I wonder if the guys will think that’s hot.
We’re standing on the steps as the wail of fire engines screams down the city streets. “Is that for us?” I wonder. I hope that’s somebody else’s emergency and that they will be “chill” and keep it on the “down-low” for us. A few seconds later, three fire engines screech down our street, lights twirling toward us.
Several huge, handsome young men pop out. They have on their traditional hats, boots, jackets, flashlights, and axes. “What are they going to do with the axes?!?”
They go inside. I am glad Joe and Nancy (the owners) are not around to get the surprise of seeing a bunch of fire trucks and flashing lights outside their house.
Rachel thinks this will be a nice way to meet some neighbors. Here comes one right now. Charlie lives across the street.
From the other direction comes Nancy in her pajamas looking very worried. I tell her we smelled gas. She goes after the firemen. I am amazed at this one guy whose biceps are as big as a lady’s waist. He seems so nice too. I wish I wasn’t in my bathrobe.
Joe comes out and says “you guys are out of here!” He’s totally joking. He says he smells the gas too. The fire people do their fire thing and come out to say that they do not detect any levels of bad stuff at all. We thank them for their time.
Happy housewarming!
The Derailer Bike Collective
Today is Tuesday, April 28th. I get off work early so that I can take my bike to this place I’ve been hearing about for a while. I use mainly a bike for transportation, having given up my car a couple of years ago after I noticed that I wasn’t using it and it was costing me way more than it was worth. My road rage is more manageable, too. But, riding a bike daily puts a lot more wear and tear on it than it was made to do.
When a spoke pops out of the back tire making it wobbly and the handlebars slip down the front wheel, I take the bike to the local bike shop across from where I live.
The mechanic fixes the immediate problems but tells me if I want to get the bike back in shape it will cost about the same as just buying another bike. He encourages me to pick something out.
The bikes are nice, but they are about $1000. Plus, I wonder how much of that “it’s getting old, time to replace it with something new” attitude contributes to our hugely out of control consumption problem here in the United States. I decide to hold off on buying a new bike and check out the Derailer bike shop first.
The only other place besides the library where you can get totally great stuff for free is the Derailer Bike Collective. It is as much about building community and recycling bike parts as it is about fixing bikes. When I go check it out myself, I discover that it is also all about empowering women to deal with all the mechanical things we were told growing up we couldn’t do.
The Derailer is a little tricky to find. You go down one street until it seems to dead-end at the railroad tracks, and then you go down into a little dirt hole. The bike shop is hidden away in an urban valley. It has a big dirt yard with a broken down bus out front. There are big industrial looking wooden spools outside that people are sitting on.
At first, there are just two homeless guys and a woman sitting on a bench. Then, a woman with a huge poof of dreadlocks walks her bike down and parks herself on one of the wooden spools.
I am told to put my name on the list that is sitting under a rock. After a minute, I find the rock and add myself to the list of about 5 people already on it.
A little girl is talking loudly as she rolls down the hill toward the dirt yard. She asks nobody in particular when the shop opens. I tell her 4:00. She scoots back up the hill.
A woman rides up, locks her stuff up, and opens the garage door. The “regulars” start to file in, looking at bike parts and making their way to the back where the “new” bikes are located. You are allowed one free bike a year. The homeless woman says that’s what she’s come for. Others, like myself, want help in fixing the bikes they already have. Tuesdays are “Women’s Only” night. The mechanics are all female. When it’s your turn, the mechanic finds you off the list and spends up to 45 minutes at a time showing you anything you want to know.
When my name is called, the mechanic helps me get my bike up into the stem of the bike holder. She shows me how to adjust the brakes and tighten the cable. She says I can use the bike holder and their supplies and tools for as long as I like.
Five minutes after she starts teaching me stuff, the loud little girl comes back down on her bike and totally interrupts us as if I’m not even there. She wants help fixing a flat tire. The mechanic is very patient with her, tries to explain that she needs to wait her turn but when that doesn’t work, tries to help both of us at the same time.
At first I am annoyed. This girl needs to wait her turn like everyone else. But in the end, it is pretty awesome that this little girl fixes her tire all by herself. The mechanic knows her by name, so she must come here a lot. Maybe this little girl needs this place and the attention of the female role models she has found here. Maybe fixing her bike tire is the one way she can feel successful today.
I clean up my bike, find out from the mechanic some of the basics like how to see if the chain or brake pads need to be replaced. Those were the two main items the first mechanic told me I should look at replacing soon. Now I feel like I have control over knowing when my bike needs attention. I also think I can get a lot more life out of it for a lot less money with the Derailer because they will help me install parts for free.
What a totally awesome place. I give them a $25 donation on my way out-much less than I would have paid anywhere else.
When a spoke pops out of the back tire making it wobbly and the handlebars slip down the front wheel, I take the bike to the local bike shop across from where I live.
The mechanic fixes the immediate problems but tells me if I want to get the bike back in shape it will cost about the same as just buying another bike. He encourages me to pick something out.
The bikes are nice, but they are about $1000. Plus, I wonder how much of that “it’s getting old, time to replace it with something new” attitude contributes to our hugely out of control consumption problem here in the United States. I decide to hold off on buying a new bike and check out the Derailer bike shop first.
The only other place besides the library where you can get totally great stuff for free is the Derailer Bike Collective. It is as much about building community and recycling bike parts as it is about fixing bikes. When I go check it out myself, I discover that it is also all about empowering women to deal with all the mechanical things we were told growing up we couldn’t do.
The Derailer is a little tricky to find. You go down one street until it seems to dead-end at the railroad tracks, and then you go down into a little dirt hole. The bike shop is hidden away in an urban valley. It has a big dirt yard with a broken down bus out front. There are big industrial looking wooden spools outside that people are sitting on.
At first, there are just two homeless guys and a woman sitting on a bench. Then, a woman with a huge poof of dreadlocks walks her bike down and parks herself on one of the wooden spools.
I am told to put my name on the list that is sitting under a rock. After a minute, I find the rock and add myself to the list of about 5 people already on it.
A little girl is talking loudly as she rolls down the hill toward the dirt yard. She asks nobody in particular when the shop opens. I tell her 4:00. She scoots back up the hill.
A woman rides up, locks her stuff up, and opens the garage door. The “regulars” start to file in, looking at bike parts and making their way to the back where the “new” bikes are located. You are allowed one free bike a year. The homeless woman says that’s what she’s come for. Others, like myself, want help in fixing the bikes they already have. Tuesdays are “Women’s Only” night. The mechanics are all female. When it’s your turn, the mechanic finds you off the list and spends up to 45 minutes at a time showing you anything you want to know.
When my name is called, the mechanic helps me get my bike up into the stem of the bike holder. She shows me how to adjust the brakes and tighten the cable. She says I can use the bike holder and their supplies and tools for as long as I like.
Five minutes after she starts teaching me stuff, the loud little girl comes back down on her bike and totally interrupts us as if I’m not even there. She wants help fixing a flat tire. The mechanic is very patient with her, tries to explain that she needs to wait her turn but when that doesn’t work, tries to help both of us at the same time.
At first I am annoyed. This girl needs to wait her turn like everyone else. But in the end, it is pretty awesome that this little girl fixes her tire all by herself. The mechanic knows her by name, so she must come here a lot. Maybe this little girl needs this place and the attention of the female role models she has found here. Maybe fixing her bike tire is the one way she can feel successful today.
I clean up my bike, find out from the mechanic some of the basics like how to see if the chain or brake pads need to be replaced. Those were the two main items the first mechanic told me I should look at replacing soon. Now I feel like I have control over knowing when my bike needs attention. I also think I can get a lot more life out of it for a lot less money with the Derailer because they will help me install parts for free.
What a totally awesome place. I give them a $25 donation on my way out-much less than I would have paid anywhere else.
Going Green
April 25, 2009
Green is the new black, that’s what they say. Going green has been important to me for a while-even before it became so trendy. Today, I am very excited to join up with a returned Peace Corps Volunteer group in Denver to do some volunteering for a green cause.
We meet at a local neighborhood church. There are already a bunch of other people waiting inside. They are all members of the neighborhood association. All around Denver, neighborhoods are making an effort to go green with a project called “Greenprint”. This is a government program that is run out of the mayor’s office.
A woman representing the project stands up and tells us more about it and what we’ll be doing today. She is very knowledgeable about all things green. She tells us that we are doing the first neighborhood-sponsored “blitz” today. We will be going door-to-door, neighbor-to-neighbor to give people free Green gifts.
We have a bag of CFL (energy efficient) light bulbs to give away as well as free reusable grocery bags. We also have a lot of services to offer-all for free. For example, people who qualify can use some of the stimulus money to get their homes weatherized and even get a free energy-efficient refrigerator. They can sign up for totally free recycling, and they can choose to switch their power source from coal burning to wind energy. We help them reduce their junk mail.
We also sit down and talk to Mary who must be about 89 years old. She says she is lonely. She tells us she wishes there was less trash out in the alley and asks if there is any way we can tell the Mayor’s office to get a dumpster out there. We install a light bulb for her. This project is about people connecting with other people and caring for each other as well as for our Mother Earth.
We have coupons to save hundreds of dollars on electric lawn mowers. People are excited about all of the possibilities. They thank us for standing out in the cold rain today going door-to-door talking to the neighbors about these important issues. I feel like I have truly made a difference today.
Green is the new black, that’s what they say. Going green has been important to me for a while-even before it became so trendy. Today, I am very excited to join up with a returned Peace Corps Volunteer group in Denver to do some volunteering for a green cause.
We meet at a local neighborhood church. There are already a bunch of other people waiting inside. They are all members of the neighborhood association. All around Denver, neighborhoods are making an effort to go green with a project called “Greenprint”. This is a government program that is run out of the mayor’s office.
A woman representing the project stands up and tells us more about it and what we’ll be doing today. She is very knowledgeable about all things green. She tells us that we are doing the first neighborhood-sponsored “blitz” today. We will be going door-to-door, neighbor-to-neighbor to give people free Green gifts.
We have a bag of CFL (energy efficient) light bulbs to give away as well as free reusable grocery bags. We also have a lot of services to offer-all for free. For example, people who qualify can use some of the stimulus money to get their homes weatherized and even get a free energy-efficient refrigerator. They can sign up for totally free recycling, and they can choose to switch their power source from coal burning to wind energy. We help them reduce their junk mail.
We also sit down and talk to Mary who must be about 89 years old. She says she is lonely. She tells us she wishes there was less trash out in the alley and asks if there is any way we can tell the Mayor’s office to get a dumpster out there. We install a light bulb for her. This project is about people connecting with other people and caring for each other as well as for our Mother Earth.
We have coupons to save hundreds of dollars on electric lawn mowers. People are excited about all of the possibilities. They thank us for standing out in the cold rain today going door-to-door talking to the neighbors about these important issues. I feel like I have truly made a difference today.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Infinite Possibilities
April 17, 2009
Today, I get the opportunity to spend some time in the classroom with a group of middle school students. They are in 8th grade and getting ready to journey on to high school. I ask them what they are looking forward to or scared of, but before I get all the words out I already know I will be met with total silence. What 14 year old is brave enough to talk about their true feelings in front of their peers? It's too bad, because I am sure that they are all going through the same thing and if only one of them was brave enough to speak it out loud, everyone could breathe a sigh of relief.
I move on to the required portion of the lesson where I show them two high school transcripts: one is from a student who will not be graduating this year. She started failing almost all of her classes from 10th grade on. Then, I show them the transcript of the top Latino male in the whole school. He has a full-ride scholarship pretty much anywhere he wants to go. He's already been taking college classes. He has almost entirely all A's in his classes-classes that are honors and AP or college level. This kid kicks butt! People are impressed!
And then a short Mexican kid in the front row says, "Yeah, but it doesn't matter because he'll still just be flipping burgers at McDonald's anyways." Sometimes, kids this age are such smart mouths, but I had the feeling that was not the case this time around. His statement comes from experience. What has he seen happen in his own life and to his own family? I can only imagine.
When I spent the years in Africa, it was easy to see how people there were oppressed. They didn't even have basic health care or education. How can people rise up, much less maintain status quo, when they are sick and unaware?
Here, the ways in which we systematically squish groups of people down are different but no less real. Some would argue with that point. Some might say we have come so far. I say we still have a long way to go.
And yet, I want to believe that this top Latino male student is going to make it. We've seen others who have found their way through the tangly webs of the isms they were born into. I want for that little Mexican kid, and for all the others in the class, to know how much they are truly capable of.
I am saddened to think that these children truly believe they are worth less because of their race, ethnicity, and class. Their personal life experiences are profound teachers. Why should they believe me over that?
I am trying to see if this top Latino student will come talk to the 8th grade class. I want the students to see examples of what is possible. They have seen enough examples of dreams stamped out.
Today, I get the opportunity to spend some time in the classroom with a group of middle school students. They are in 8th grade and getting ready to journey on to high school. I ask them what they are looking forward to or scared of, but before I get all the words out I already know I will be met with total silence. What 14 year old is brave enough to talk about their true feelings in front of their peers? It's too bad, because I am sure that they are all going through the same thing and if only one of them was brave enough to speak it out loud, everyone could breathe a sigh of relief.
I move on to the required portion of the lesson where I show them two high school transcripts: one is from a student who will not be graduating this year. She started failing almost all of her classes from 10th grade on. Then, I show them the transcript of the top Latino male in the whole school. He has a full-ride scholarship pretty much anywhere he wants to go. He's already been taking college classes. He has almost entirely all A's in his classes-classes that are honors and AP or college level. This kid kicks butt! People are impressed!
And then a short Mexican kid in the front row says, "Yeah, but it doesn't matter because he'll still just be flipping burgers at McDonald's anyways." Sometimes, kids this age are such smart mouths, but I had the feeling that was not the case this time around. His statement comes from experience. What has he seen happen in his own life and to his own family? I can only imagine.
When I spent the years in Africa, it was easy to see how people there were oppressed. They didn't even have basic health care or education. How can people rise up, much less maintain status quo, when they are sick and unaware?
Here, the ways in which we systematically squish groups of people down are different but no less real. Some would argue with that point. Some might say we have come so far. I say we still have a long way to go.
And yet, I want to believe that this top Latino male student is going to make it. We've seen others who have found their way through the tangly webs of the isms they were born into. I want for that little Mexican kid, and for all the others in the class, to know how much they are truly capable of.
I am saddened to think that these children truly believe they are worth less because of their race, ethnicity, and class. Their personal life experiences are profound teachers. Why should they believe me over that?
I am trying to see if this top Latino student will come talk to the 8th grade class. I want the students to see examples of what is possible. They have seen enough examples of dreams stamped out.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
We are All One
April 16, 2009
It hits me today as I am talking to a family member how nice it is to speak to someone who understands and is going through the same thing. Then, I thought about a lady I work with who probably has a very different way of looking at life than I do. It is so easy to feel connected to people when the commonalities are right on the surface and so difficult to feel connected to those who we disagree with.
And yet, my church teaches that we are all one, and I believe this is true. We come from the same source and are made up of the same recirculating energy. We share all the same experiences, thoughts, feelings, and sensations.
In Meditation class, I recall one lesson about happiness. We practiced feeling truly happy for another person. Later, we talked about how feeling happy-not hyper, but peacefully satisfied-is our birthright. I asked, if it is what we are born to do, why is it so difficult sometimes? The answer: we are always forgetting that we are all one and connected.
The next morning, when I went for my jog, I realized that indeed I had been separating myself from other people and this was what caused me pain. For example, I would see a fat man jogging by and get all judgemental, thinking, "Oh, I'm glad I'm not fat like that guy." Or, I would see a beautiful woman and think, "I wish I could be more like that woman." Either way, I ended up feeling worse for those thoughts. They are not true. The truth is, I am the fat man and I am the beautiful woman. We are all one.
It hits me today as I am talking to a family member how nice it is to speak to someone who understands and is going through the same thing. Then, I thought about a lady I work with who probably has a very different way of looking at life than I do. It is so easy to feel connected to people when the commonalities are right on the surface and so difficult to feel connected to those who we disagree with.
And yet, my church teaches that we are all one, and I believe this is true. We come from the same source and are made up of the same recirculating energy. We share all the same experiences, thoughts, feelings, and sensations.
In Meditation class, I recall one lesson about happiness. We practiced feeling truly happy for another person. Later, we talked about how feeling happy-not hyper, but peacefully satisfied-is our birthright. I asked, if it is what we are born to do, why is it so difficult sometimes? The answer: we are always forgetting that we are all one and connected.
The next morning, when I went for my jog, I realized that indeed I had been separating myself from other people and this was what caused me pain. For example, I would see a fat man jogging by and get all judgemental, thinking, "Oh, I'm glad I'm not fat like that guy." Or, I would see a beautiful woman and think, "I wish I could be more like that woman." Either way, I ended up feeling worse for those thoughts. They are not true. The truth is, I am the fat man and I am the beautiful woman. We are all one.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Living in Community
4/14/09
I recently moved from a condo by myself to a house shared with others. Today, while taking a shower, I noticed a thick, black, curly hair in my soap dish. It was too thick and too black to be mine. But, despite the fact that we can all guess from whence this hair came (not who, but which part of the body), I found myself more delighted than dismayed.
It is awesome to live in a place where things happen that don't all have to do with me. You never know what you will find when you live in community, but I think whatever it is, it is a gift.
...you can all consider yourselves lucky that I don't have a camera yet...
I recently moved from a condo by myself to a house shared with others. Today, while taking a shower, I noticed a thick, black, curly hair in my soap dish. It was too thick and too black to be mine. But, despite the fact that we can all guess from whence this hair came (not who, but which part of the body), I found myself more delighted than dismayed.
It is awesome to live in a place where things happen that don't all have to do with me. You never know what you will find when you live in community, but I think whatever it is, it is a gift.
...you can all consider yourselves lucky that I don't have a camera yet...
Isolation Versus Relationship
4/15/09
Erik Erikson had this idea that we go through a lot of different developmental stages. One stage happens when we grapple with whether or not to live life independently or within relationship with another.
In my adult life, I have lived as a perpetually single gal with smatterings of minor relationships that don’t last very long and are not healthy enough to make it past the first stages of dating.
A year ago, I wouldn’t have felt qualified to say what couples in romantic relationships do. Thanks to a man I met at church, I can say now I’ve had a taste of it.
For ten months, we had a wonderful, joyful time together. Not every day was perfect by any means, but I see what it is like to have someone in my life. I know what it means to compromise in a healthy way; I have learned how relationships can change a person, make them grow. I know the joy of saying one day after another “yes again” to the choice of entering back into a relationship. Every day, I gave it as much of my heart and soul as I possibly could and for that I have no regrets.
This was a gift-something I had wanted for a long time-just to know what being in a healthier relationship feels like. I know now that all those other less healthy relationships I’ve been through do not mean there is something fundamentally broken about me. I can say that I haven’t been very lucky in love, but I do know how to love and be loved. For this, I feel great appreciation for him, the former boyfriend.
Through all of these ups and downs, I have learned to take care of myself and how to be in relationship with the whole wide world. As a single person, I still have choices to make everyday about how I want to love and be loved, but they are different from the choices couples in romantic relationships need to make.
I hope someday I will have the chance again to be in a healthy romantic relationship. But, in the meantime, I know now that my path as a single person comes with just as many lessons and growth opportunities. I am trying to embrace the gifts that my life has to offer me-without putting stipulations on what it has to look like and without judging myself for being different.
Erik Erikson had this idea that we go through a lot of different developmental stages. One stage happens when we grapple with whether or not to live life independently or within relationship with another.
In my adult life, I have lived as a perpetually single gal with smatterings of minor relationships that don’t last very long and are not healthy enough to make it past the first stages of dating.
A year ago, I wouldn’t have felt qualified to say what couples in romantic relationships do. Thanks to a man I met at church, I can say now I’ve had a taste of it.
For ten months, we had a wonderful, joyful time together. Not every day was perfect by any means, but I see what it is like to have someone in my life. I know what it means to compromise in a healthy way; I have learned how relationships can change a person, make them grow. I know the joy of saying one day after another “yes again” to the choice of entering back into a relationship. Every day, I gave it as much of my heart and soul as I possibly could and for that I have no regrets.
This was a gift-something I had wanted for a long time-just to know what being in a healthier relationship feels like. I know now that all those other less healthy relationships I’ve been through do not mean there is something fundamentally broken about me. I can say that I haven’t been very lucky in love, but I do know how to love and be loved. For this, I feel great appreciation for him, the former boyfriend.
Through all of these ups and downs, I have learned to take care of myself and how to be in relationship with the whole wide world. As a single person, I still have choices to make everyday about how I want to love and be loved, but they are different from the choices couples in romantic relationships need to make.
I hope someday I will have the chance again to be in a healthy romantic relationship. But, in the meantime, I know now that my path as a single person comes with just as many lessons and growth opportunities. I am trying to embrace the gifts that my life has to offer me-without putting stipulations on what it has to look like and without judging myself for being different.
Easter Meditation
April 12, 2009
Tonight, I go to the meditation class that meets weekly at my church. It is Easter evening. The room is crowded-almost every chair and floor space has a person in it. The teacher has us sit still and listen to our breath, paying attention to sensory stimuli and to any thoughts or feelings that arise within us.
We do this for 45 minutes. Then, he talks to us about living and dying. He tells us there is a cycle going on for all of us from one moment to the next where we make up who we are and make up each other as well. He says there is no such thing as the self.
He then tells us that every feeling and thought we experience comes from something we’ve experienced in the past. One woman asks how we could have a memory of things before if we don't exist. Our teacher tells us that Buddha would say we both exist and do not exist. What does this mean? I don’t get it.
Later that night, I go home and go to sleep. Like many other nights lately, I wake up in the wee hours after having dreamed of my ex-boyfriend. In tonight's dream, he tells me he loves me, and I wake up in a panic because I know this is no longer true. I start to understand what the teacher means when he says the only thing we can count on is change.
Looking at my ex, I start to see how he-and me, and everyone else I know-could be said to not really exist because we are constantly changing-we are one thing and then totally something else from one moment to the next. I wonder if we have to be senseless strings of divergent moments or if by our choices we could make ourselves into something more solid. Do we have the power, if we make aware choices from one moment to the next, to create consistency in our lives?
I think it isn’t easy, but it isn’t impossible. I decide to start making better choices and becoming more aware of what goes on-both inside and around me.
Tonight, I go to the meditation class that meets weekly at my church. It is Easter evening. The room is crowded-almost every chair and floor space has a person in it. The teacher has us sit still and listen to our breath, paying attention to sensory stimuli and to any thoughts or feelings that arise within us.
We do this for 45 minutes. Then, he talks to us about living and dying. He tells us there is a cycle going on for all of us from one moment to the next where we make up who we are and make up each other as well. He says there is no such thing as the self.
He then tells us that every feeling and thought we experience comes from something we’ve experienced in the past. One woman asks how we could have a memory of things before if we don't exist. Our teacher tells us that Buddha would say we both exist and do not exist. What does this mean? I don’t get it.
Later that night, I go home and go to sleep. Like many other nights lately, I wake up in the wee hours after having dreamed of my ex-boyfriend. In tonight's dream, he tells me he loves me, and I wake up in a panic because I know this is no longer true. I start to understand what the teacher means when he says the only thing we can count on is change.
Looking at my ex, I start to see how he-and me, and everyone else I know-could be said to not really exist because we are constantly changing-we are one thing and then totally something else from one moment to the next. I wonder if we have to be senseless strings of divergent moments or if by our choices we could make ourselves into something more solid. Do we have the power, if we make aware choices from one moment to the next, to create consistency in our lives?
I think it isn’t easy, but it isn’t impossible. I decide to start making better choices and becoming more aware of what goes on-both inside and around me.
Tragedy Strikes Again
April 14, 2009
It is a difficult week. I change jobs and move and am still adjusting. My boyfriend is no longer my boyfriend.
I find myself psychologically like a shaking puppy huddled in a corner waiting for the newspaper to whop me again.
In other times of my life when I was free falling without a safety net, there was only one way out. Sitting still instead of clinging or running away is the one natural and honest way I have found to get rid of the things I am most afraid of and to be free from obsessive desire for things that will never be mine. It is a way to achieve a sense of peace, and it is how I can live with more compassion and less fear.
Now is a time for meditation. I have decided to blog about what I learn. Join me in this voyage of self-discovery. If we are lucky, we'll get some good pearls of wisdom and maybe a few laughs along the way.
It is a difficult week. I change jobs and move and am still adjusting. My boyfriend is no longer my boyfriend.
I find myself psychologically like a shaking puppy huddled in a corner waiting for the newspaper to whop me again.
In other times of my life when I was free falling without a safety net, there was only one way out. Sitting still instead of clinging or running away is the one natural and honest way I have found to get rid of the things I am most afraid of and to be free from obsessive desire for things that will never be mine. It is a way to achieve a sense of peace, and it is how I can live with more compassion and less fear.
Now is a time for meditation. I have decided to blog about what I learn. Join me in this voyage of self-discovery. If we are lucky, we'll get some good pearls of wisdom and maybe a few laughs along the way.
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